Because it's early

Okay, it's actually past nine. But I didn't go to bed until 2 am and didn't sleep much, so it feels really early to me.

I was looking at my local SPCA website (because of my job we interact with the SPCA constantly and I'm always curious to see if I know any of the pets in there) just to keep tabs on the pets currently up for adoption. I discovered something that damn near broke my heart...it stirred me to tears, in fact. Back when I worked in boarding, we had a "problem" dog that was absolutely gorgeous. He was a pittie/lab mix, golden in color, with a blaze of white on his chest. He was one of my favourite dogs. He was considered a "problem" for certain people because he was nervous around new people he hadn't seen before, mostly women. At one point he actually jumped up on my coworker (in play) and his foot caught her shirt, tearing it. She was scared that he had tried to attack her, and so he was no longer allowed to stay in boarding. However, since he was so well behaved for both my manager and myself, we decided we'd do a series of trials for this dog in order to keep him coming back as a client. We did some free day stays, as well as a couple of overnights, on just the days that her and I were working. It worked out really well...in fact, most of the poeple he was showing nervous (often mistaken as aggression) behaviour towards, he started to become accostomed to. His owner proudly reported the dog looked forward to his stays with us - which of course is the best praise possible. Anyway, after much progress, the owner ended up not going away as often, and we didn't see the dog for quite some time. Now, he's listed on the SPCA website as an adoptable dog...they've renamed him  "Buster". I won't disclose his real name, but I'm willing to bet it's the same dog, and if I went there and called him by his real name, I just know he'd respond. It breaks my heart to know this dog was so well loved in his home by his owners, and now he's in the pound. I wonder what made them change their mind about him. I'm desperately considering going down there to visit him today, if possible. I miss that golden prince of a dog, and now that he's become readily available, I want him. I know I can't have him...I don't have the time for him, and it wouldn't be fair. But he knows me, he loved me in boarding, and I'm concerned he'll go to someone who will treat him poorly.

It's probably stupid of me to think such a thing.

Well. On a lighter note, yesterday we purchased some new items for our kitchen and bathroom for the new place. It felt amazing to be able to pick out new things and have hope for the life we're structuring for ourselves. Losing hours at work of course is a downside but we can make it work. As long as we pay the bills, it'll be fine, and we have enough to do that.

I have a purring cat on me, one beside me, and a sleeping boyfriend on the floor. Things are quiet, but peaceful. Now if only I had a tea....



Look at you

Another new song for my un-readers today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mp36OVsdPyw&list=PL271E36B43B08CE92&index=1&feature=plpp_video

As you may or may not know, I have an ongoing love affair with Rufus Wainwright. His music is one of the few that can stir me to tears, and there's nothing better than music that can make you feel. He's incredibly talented, and this is his newest song "out of the game".

Alright, down to business.

Lots has happened and I want to share it with whoever actually reads this. Yesterday my roommate and I put down our deposit on our new home. Okay, so it's not really a "home" if you're renting it, but it's as close as we can get. We're going shopping tonight too to secure the last of our kitchen items (dishes, glasses, microwave, etc). I love having things that I actually need to buy, rather than just things to pay for. It's more fun that way. Of course there's the inevitable bills too, but those will all get taken care of as they come. I discovered that my new credit card is accepted at Amazon.com and I'm stoked to eventually order Six Feet Under seasons and Queer As Folk. Eventually.

Once I get my loan paid off I'll have an extra $100 per month that I can put towards credit card payments, so I can start using it more often, paying it off on time, and building good credit ratings. Yay! Look at me being an adult and stuff.

Today is gorgeous out, so I'm probably going to put on some eyeliner and powder and take my doggie for a walk. Sounds lovely. The sky is so blue. Campbell River storms are worth seeing the blue in the spring time. No wonder this time of year is my favorite!



Love is like a Silhouette

in dreams..open up your heart, open up your heart to me, and let me pull you out of here.

I have discovered a new music love. Her name is Kimbra, and she's incredible. The song I just quoted is called "Cameo Lover".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elyk9MBY72U

I first found her through this extremely emotional song (that makes me cry when I'm by myself, as it's so heartfelt and painful), called "Somebody that I used to know" by a man called Gotye where Kimbra is featured. I adore this song and listened to it every day for the past week. Maybe even longer than that. It inspired a quick poem the other day as well. First, the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rrf312jY2zg&list=FLbU1mhjwuCwTqCxODjQmaiA&index=9&feature=plpp_video

Now, the poem. It's kind of sad...but not really, since it promises a new future. Which I'm very excited about. <3 I guess. I don't really remember writing it. I think I was listening to this song one evening alone in my 3-room "suite", and it just started flowing. I'm glad to be slowly getting back into this poetry writing thing. Maybe I'll get back to where I used to be...spitting out inspired pieces at least every day, if not more frequently.

http://windfrost.deviantart.com/#/d4tlmfv

This, however, is the song that I first listened to/watched when I looked up Kimbra in the youtube search bar. It's still stuck in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHV04eSGzAA&ob=av2e

She gets so into character it's like watching a performance you should have to pay to witness. It's so good I can't help but be (probably) temporarily obsessed with her.

Anyway, I find the more time I spend alone with my boyfriend (and away from my kind-of controlling, condescending roommate who, while being my best friend in the world, still seems to dream of his head on a stake not unlike Marie Antoinette), the more I find that I like him. He's already used (juvenile, I know) the "L" word, and I find that every time he says it I've got the response on my tongue but it hasn't come out yet. I don't know what's wrong with me in that respect. I should be able to say it. I'm already falling down a rabbit hole where he's concerned anyway.

Just the other day we visited his grandparents. Upon leaving, they handed me a tiny potted squash plant with instructions to care for it and plant it in the garden, and stated it was from my "in-laws". I think they've already married us in their heads or something. Grandparents have a funny way of pushing people together. It's not necessarily a bad thought. It's just too soon to tell how far exactly we're really going to go. Eventually he'll discover my many forms,  my many personality shifts, and get tired of putting up with my bullshit. I guess I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have before that inevitably happens.

In other, more merry news, we are putting in our damage deposit on the townhouse in Willow Point this week, and will be moving in on April 12th! I'm more than excited, but I hate packing up my stuff. Haha. I guess that's the bitter part of the bittersweet moving process.

My weight loss plan has not shed any success yet. Maybe it's because I'm really bad at self-control and discipline. But come April 12th, I will be biking back and forth to work and home, and it'll be a good push to get me fit and maybe warranting of my jovial boyfriend's love. Who knows? Maybe I'll finally be able to feel comfortable in not only clothing, but his arms. I look forward to this new plan.



Being a Grown-Up Stinks!

I hate not having enough money for what I want to do with it. I want one day to live the high life, and earn my way there.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Turn and face the strain! Ch-ch-changes!

Just got home from a weekend trip to Nanaimo where I spent too much money on things I don't need....like new pairs of jeans, a summery dress, and a season of "Six Feet Under", since my roommate and I need to start watching a new tv show and it apparently is quite good. We also ate more junky food than we should have, drank too much coffee, and discovered that mcdonalds makes fruit smoothies which are actually pretty good. And I also discovered that apparently St Patrick's Day means all the best restaurants will be backed up by green-clad drunks, and that we shouldn't try and get a table on a whim at the neighbourhood places. XD

 Now, I'm pathetically curled up on the couch under 2 blankets, watching The Big Bang Theory, and writing this. What a sad life.

In other news, we viewed not one, but two townhouses yesterday. The first one was my favourite; two bedroom, 1.5 bath, 5 appliances. Tons of storage space, hardwood floors (everywhere but the bathrooms, kitchen and stairs), gorgeous bedrooms (one of which has my dream, a window ledge for sitting and writing by moonlight), utility closets up the ying yang, bright windows. Very nice. My roommate and I agreed already who gets which bedroom, and we're both more than happy with our choices.

However, shortly after feeling really good about that place, we decided to go view our back up...a 3 bed, 1.5 bath 5 appliance townhouse that was half carpetted, half hardwood floor. Where the bathrooms lacked, the kitchen exceeded. While the bedrooms were nice, the entire place held nothing but bland renovations. The paint throughout was sunny yellow, and with an ecru/cream carpet, there wasn't much room for contrast.

We spent the next few hours discussing the pros and cons of each place.

Place 1:

Pros: Ideal location, hardwood floors, beautiful fixtures, earthy toned paint colors, agreeable bedrooms, lots of storage space, on budget

Cons: no third bedroom (for art/computer desk, future snake etc), no screens on windows, no yard, move-in date april 1st

Place 2:

Pros: third bedroom (see above), huge kitchen, semi-private yard, screens on the windows, patio door, move-in dates april 1st, may 1st, or june 1st, choice of suites

Cons: dingy carpet upstairs, no discernible master bedroom, outdated/grungy looking sinks/bathroom, bad location, expensive, bland paint color

Unfortunately, the location was a very big downside, and we agreed that it was not for us. So we scratched that off the list. But now there's the issue of move-in date. April 1st is now 2 weeks from today. It's pretty impossible for us to pack up and get moved in 2 weeks. We've asked if the date could be moved to May 1st, in order for us to get the money together for the first month, as well as the pet deposit and damage deposit. The rent is $850, making the damage and pet deposits $425 each. Therefore our first month would cost $850 each. However, since the month's already half over, and we didn't expect to move for April 1st, we don't exactly have the funds in place. Lol.

So we're hoping that because we like this place so much, and she doesn't seem to have had any other interest, that she'll let us take it May 1st, so we have the time to get together almost $1000 in cash. We'll see how that goes.



Catch Up/On Any Given Day

From March 12th (Monday)

Today I awoke to a raging windstorm and no lights. Now, 12 hours later, we're still without power and I'm freezing! I'm grateful for my laptop though, even though I can't get internet it runs on battery power and if the brightness is turned down it can last for quite some time. So I have music and a word document going, just biding my time until the power comes back.

Going into work in the dark was interesting; I only went for a couple hours (to cover other people's breaks) and then was sent home because without a computer, reception is kind of pointless. Our phone is electronic as well, since there are five lines (three hospital, one personal, and one grooming). So we had the power outage phone out (which acts as line 1) and were attempting to reschedule all our appointments through that. It wasn't easy, as 2 appointments were unreachable, and showed up anyway. Luckily they were simple exams, not requiring vaccines or any diagnostic work. It was pretty bad that we were so dependent on our computers.

So for most of the day, I attempted to keep myself busy. I sewed (which I haven't done in weeks), read, and now am typing this up with slightly numb fingers. Did I mention also that until the power comes back on, we have no heat, and therefore no hot water? No shower in the foreseeable future for me!

My roommate and I drove around town looking for a coffee place that was open. Luckily the Tim Hortons on Dogwood still had power (and was slamming busy!) and with the prospects of mochas on the horizon, we eagerly waited in the line for the drive through. After about 20 minutes of waiting (people kept cutting ahead of us and blocking the lane, which was why we weren't about to cut in at those times), we ordered and were informed that their hot chocolate machine was broken so they weren't able to make the mochas. Sad day! In lieu of purchasing another hot drink (nothing really stacks up to a timmies mocha), we played it safe and bought a warm toasty sandwich and iced capps, which were pleasant enough. On our travels we discovered many large trees that had been uprooted by the gale-force winds of the storm. It was tragic to see this old trees pulled right out of the ground. Thank goodness no one was injured (to our knowledge). Many roads were blocked off due to trees falling in their wake, and that made passing traffic difficult, but at least the slow speeds gave us a chance to get a good look at the damage Mother Nature's rager caused. It was incredibly humbling to look at this monstrous trees, torn out of the ground. Their roots were massive, curling up against the ground they once lived in, as if in pain. I don't mean to get all poetic about this but it was so saddening to see. I managed to snap a couple quick pictures of the damages. It's pretty incredible, what nature can do.

We were informed two hours ago that the power would be restored by no later than 6 pm. It's now almost 7.

Silly hydro people, making promises they can't keep.

On another note, we viewed the townhouse yesterday with my sister and boyfriend tagging along. The first floor was nice enough; spacious kitchen with lots of cupboard space, and island that opened to an open floor plan (dining area, steps down to the living room). Very nice. I could see us spending a lot of time in that kitchen; it was very well laid out. Anticipating great things, we climbed the stairs to the second floor where the full bathroom and two bedrooms were. We were disappointed to find a lackluster bathroom with next to no cupboard space (and for two girls sharing one, that was kind of a big deal). The utility closet was very nice so we would probably be able to keep a lot of our stuff in there. Next we had a quick look at the bedrooms; of course for the price and what we were getting I wasn't expecting a very big second bedroom, but I swear if we put anything but a single bed in there, there'd be no room for anything else! Very small. The master was nice enough, but it was smaller than our bedroom in the apartment. Considering it would be housing just one person, not two, it was understandable, but for a master bedroom it was pretty small. Needless to say, we were less than impressed with the upstairs portion of the place. Considering the price, we expected a little bit more. And upon a closer inspection, it appeared slightly dingy. Yes, there were children inhabiting it at that time, but there was really a lot of dirty looking features. The walls looked icky and the carpet, while obviously freshly vaccumed, just didn't look clean enough. I don't know if we had hopes that were too high, but it did not live up to the pictures at all. And so, we decided to pass on this one, and keep looking.

I emailed several possibilities, and have yet to hear back (because I haven't had internet all day). I'm hoping our power will come back soon so I can check my email and charge my poor phone. It's been turned off for now to conserve battery, since it has to be my alarm clock tomorrow. I can't risk not having an alarm clock when I have to work at 9:00.

Oh, brilliant. I've just been informed that the hydro people meant 6 pm....tomorrow. FML.

Well isn't this just peachy! We're expecting to be without power for the next 24 hours. I guess I can kiss goodbye all that expensive (and delicious) greek yogurt we just bought yesterday. And all our frozen food. Just wonderful.

And I've been informed that my roommate's dad bought a generator to power the top half of the house. So we get to freeze down here, waste our food, while they have heat and a working fridge. Awesome.

I wish my phone wasn't going to die so I could get my boyfriend to come over and entertain me a bit.

You know the icing on the cake of all this? I've had a head cold the past three days and being sick in this chilly environment is not very pleasant. My toes and fingers are numb. Yay.

***

Okay, so shortly after I finished that sad little blog excerpt, the power came back on (about 9:30 pm). Yeah, as usual, I spoke too soon. Anyway, the only reason I posted that bit was because of the part about the townhouse. That leads me to another point. We're viewing another one  this Saturday and I'm hopeful. It looks incredible - hardwood floors, within budget, next to ideal location, 2 bedroom, 5 appliances. The cats are approved as well, with a deposit.

However, with my ongoing health issues (I have a raging headcold that hasn't shown any signs of slowing down, among other things I'm sure I've already covered), I am considering facing my fears and going to the walk-in at my medical center and getting a professional to tell me what's wrong with my screwed up body. Problem is, it's only open 10-1 on Saturdays, and now I'm back to working every other Saturday. Since I have an appointment for the townhouse this week, and am working next week, I won't be able to to go for the next two weeks. Of course I have a couple weekdays off, but I don't want to go by myself, and I'm sure as hell not going with my mother.

On another note, I've seen this meme thing going around the internet and I don't know if anyone still does it, but I am bored and have the day off today, so I'm going to. As if anyone cares.

The gist of it is you go through your daily routine; what products you use for skincare etc. And since I'm bored...I'll do it. Yeesh.

-on any given day-

Usually if I have ample time, this is my routine. For the shower, I usually start with my hair, and shampoo varies depending on cost and what my hair's up to. Right now it's dyed so it's been through some damage and I'm using Garnier Fructis damage repair. It smells like apples. :) I don't wash my hair every day...like JennaMarbles says, "google it. you'll go bald." And I don't use conditioner every day either. I replace it once a week with that conditioning treatment you get in the box of hair dye..to attempt to extend the vibrance of my color (it never really does). For body, I have a few different things, but usually I use SoftSoap coconut body scrub....it smells like the Aloe&Oatmeal shampoo we use at work for the dogs in grooming...lol. But really, it does smell good. And it's good for my dry/sensitive skin. Sometimes I'll use the vanilla scented Olay stuff, since it's got lots of moisturizers in it. Usually for shaving I like the Aveeno sensitive skin stuff...because, like I said, my skin's sensitive. (I feel like I'm going in circles.)

After the shower, to lock in moisture I apply Aveeno "calming" body lotion...I assume it's calming because it smells like lavendar. I don't know. And since the bottoms and heels of my feet tend to be dry I use Glysomed foot balm..it smells like mint. It's better if you apply it then immediately put your socks on, since it keeps them moisturized (kind of like those gloves for extremely dry skin).

For my face, I start with Nivea gentle toner to clear out icky blackheads etc. Then cleanse with Noxzema deep cleansing cream..the Nivea cleanser isn't as nice (in my opinion). And finish with Avon's rich moisture face cream.

If I don't have a ton of time in the morning before work, I'll usually skip the body and foot lotion, and probably the toner as well. It takes a minute or two to start tingling before you can wash it off.

For makeup, I'm getting more and more into it, and I've been experimenting with different things. If I don't have a ton of time, it's just foundation, powder, eyeliner and mascara. However, if there's lots to spare, I start to play around with colors and shapes.

Eyeliner, however, is probably my favourite thing ever. It's so easy to apply (with enough practice) and while sometimes I make the line too big my eyes can handle it. But it's a great defining feature to pretty much any look. Sometimes though, it's nice to use neutral and defining shadows and mascara.

The foundation I use changes sometimes, but I'm currently using Loreal's Infallible in shade 603. For eyeliner, it changes sometimes, but usually it's Revlon's liquid pen. Amazing control! Mascara is Revlon's GrowLuscious mascara, that actually helps your lashes to grow stronger and thicker...it's really worked for me; I've been using it for a couple months almost every day, and I can see a considerable difference in the length of my lashes. I don't need to apply too much either.

Eyeshadow is where it gets complicated. I have so many different products there's no way I can list them all. One of my favourite quads lately though has been the Avon one in "Ocean Breeze" or something like that. It's got a smooth blue color, cream, dark green, and coppery brown. They're all matte colors so they blend easily into one another. I usually combine the light blue and the creamy color, with eyeliner and white at the brow to highlight. I've also discovered cream eyeshadows....I have a quad from Revlon in "orchid", four purpley mauve colors that don't always work together, I find, but do work with a lot of other things I have in my collection. Revlon also makes a matte neutral quad I've kind of fallen in love with for simple eyes with definition at the crease. I've been wearing that lately as I'm sick and don't want to do too much to my face right now, haha. It doesn't work with dark eyeliner, but I have my eye on a white one that when smudged would compliment it well I think.

 I don't know...I'm no makeup artist, just a girl on a budget who wants to try as many different things as possible. :)

"You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own." - Jack Johnson

I was going to post pictures but their quality is kind of crappy and I don't want to retake. So yeah. There's my ramble about stuff I use. That's it for today un-readers, I'm going to go....waste more of the day on the computer elsewhere.

Because I have no brainpower

Pictures. Because I don't have a brain right now.

My beautiful betta Ulysses.

NOTE: I didn't take this picture, my roommate did. He was too cute not to post though. <3

As always, my photos are unedited, uncropped, etc.

This is what happens when I have a random day off in the middle of the week, and ample time to mess around in my bathroom. Hair straightening and makeup took me almost an hour this morning. Time well wasted?

Why is it that when my cat looks out the window, sometimes his pupils get so tiny that he looks kind of like an alien? Luckily for him, I love him no matter how alienish he looks sometimes. :)

Can't decide if I like the red lipcolor or not.

What my eye makeup actually looks like. It took me a while to get the color right and I'm still not happy with it. Paired with a peachy gloss in lieu of that bright red in earlier pictures.

CAT FACE. Again.

Better picture without that red lipcolor. I really don't know what I think about it, and this felt better. :)

Okay that's all the ego pictures I have for now..there may be more...at some point..don't hold your breath, whoeever you are.



Descending Inside My Head

"We got back from somewhere inside my head." - Owl City, "Sunburn"

Yes, still listening to Owl City. Not right now, I meant in the long run. Right now I'm listening to crappy pop music from a new CD I bought myself as a guilty pleasure from WalMart tonight. Currently it's Rihanna's "we found love" which is surprisingly catchy. Cause Rihanna sucks.

Okay. So for whatever reason, I have uncovered an epiphany that I must share with the unbridled world of the internet. Because that's who reads this. The internet.

Epiphany. Yes. That.

Okay, the other night while my roommate and I were alone in the house we snuck upstairs for a chance at the kitchen. There was cooking and the many making of foods. It was an incredibly zen time and it occured to me that the only reason my roommate and I fight all the time is because we're cramped in a basement together. I mean, think about it. We live in 3 rooms - the miniscule bathroom, our "living" room (where our food supply is crammed into a utility closet and bar fridge, there's a couch, a futon, our desk and many bookshelves filled with movies, books, and video games), and the bedroom we share. Things are a bit tight, and we're both itching to move.

Yes, I said BOTH.

"There's a side of you that I never knew, never knew." - Adele, "Set Fire to the Rain"

I don't know what changed, but she's decided to stay here in sleepy Campbell River, live in a townhouse with me and our cats, and take schooling for her art. I'm so proud of her following her tortured dream. It's been forever in the making, and it's great to see her finally taking steps in that direction. Yay!

Needless to say, I'm pretty damn happy and excited. I feel more envigorated than a fat kid and a pie.

She's my best friend in the world, and there's nothing that would make me happier than to decorate a place of our very own together, save up for nice things and pay our way, be independent. I'm so tired of living with parents, and we live so symbiotically together that it works out perfectly. As long as we both have room to breathe, I know it'll work. The only reason we're so sharp at each other right now is because we're cramped. We're stuck in this tiny basement, and while I'm thankful to her family for taking me in when they didn't need to, I'm itching to get out on our own. It would be so nice!

Anyway what else can I ramble about?

"Get a little closer to me and you'll understand." - Cobra Starship, "You Make Me Feel"

Work has been work. I'm happier there every day. I feel like I may have found my place. I like my desk job and my little projects and my cleaning. Most of all I love my coworkers and the clients. I love seeing all the dogs, seeing the puppies turn into dogs, seeing the kittens get homes. I love seeing the sick dogs go home healthy. I like talking to people, complimenting their pets, asking after their other ones. I like calling the people, being friendly, asking how their dog/cat is doing after his/her visit. They're always so appreciative. The friendships I've made with my coworkers are very strong. I'm going to miss my one colleague, she's hilarious and possibly the most bubbly person I've met. She's always bringing things for us, food, little items, advice, laughter. She's moving with her veterinarian husband in the first week of April and I'm going to miss her. She says the funniest things, and always makes us laugh. What will we do without her?

On another note, I've been neglecting not only my blog but my writing in general, and my other interests. Work saps me of all I have, and by the time I get home it's a struggle for me to shower and cut up some veggies for dinner. Gosh I've become so lazy! Though I don't know if it's really laziness or if I'm just tired all the time. That brings me to my next point:

I've had the most magical medical problems of late. My period has been on hiatus for just under two months, and it hasn't shown any signs of rearing it's ugly head. I would be worried of pregnancy, but I've taken two HPT's and they were both negative (though we didn't properly do anything anyway, so it would be pretty impossible). I did it as a precaution, and got the answer I expected. So I'm wondering, if not that, what is it? What's causing this almost 2 month hiatus? Where are ya?

Other than that, I've had lots of headaches, and back aches, mostly in my shoulders and shoulder blade area. My stomach has been off and on for the past...I don't know, six weeks now? My appetite has changed during the day, some days I'm starving, some days I eat practically nothing and don't feel hungry. I'm working on a diet, but it's pretty easy to stick to (besides the birthday cake I ate the other day...). It's not really even a diet, it's just me trying to eat healthier foods. I'm also going as vegetarian as I can. Which means almond milk (in lieu of soy, which can taste chalky), vegetable salads with olive oil and sea salt, peanut butter, fruit, etc. It's pretty awesome. Who knew healthy food could be so simple, inexpensive, and taste so good? My favourite new discovery is this incredible almond milk...it's made by a company that produces really good almonds as snacks, so I thought I'd give it a shot. So far I've only tried the unsweetened vanilla flavour, but I have a regular, and a chocolate too (also unsweetened). It's pretty amazing. I love, love, love the vanilla flavour over some granola. It's delicious, and makes for a very simple (and vegan!) breakfast or quick dinner. I find that my meals aren't really conventional anymore...I'm trying to eat a few small things throughout the day, and lots of water or juice. That way my body isn't hit with a large meal at any point, I stay satisfied, and I (hopefully) will start losing weight soon. I'm working on a workout regimen, but I find the only time I have an excess of time or energy is on the weekends. Work keeps me pretty busy and by the time I get home, well, I just don't want to do anything else. I walk to and from work, which is only about 15 minutes each way, but at least it's something. Maybe eventually it'll get a bit easier.

This is going to be a really long entry.

"Yellow diamond in the light, and we're standing side by side as your shadow crosses mine; what it takes to come alive is the way I'm feeling. I just can't deny it but I've got to let it go. We found love in a hopeless place."  - Rihanna, "We Found Love"

I need to get back into poetry. I've decided.

I decided this when I was at work today and researching intestinal parasites for a newsletter my coworker and I are collaborating on to write. How did parasites make me think about my poetry? Well I was working on a rough draft for the newsletter (an intro to why deworming is critical to pets' and humans' health) and I realized that I was getting way too into it. It was starting to sound really fancy.  I noticed that my words were becoming more and more flourishy looking. I of course scrapped it and went back to something more matter-of-fact, but I was thinking about my poetry writing and how I used to just let myself go. What happened to all that? Where did my creativity go? Did I become domestic?

Let's face it, I wasn't exactly a rebel from the start anyway. But I used to be so free in my music. I used to get into a state of mind where the words would keep coming like a waterfall and all I had to do was direct the water. Where did that go? Why did I stop writing?

I could tell myself I got "too busy", or "life got in the way". But honestly, what do I have going on? Work? Yeah, everyone works though. Most of them work harder than I do. I mean it's not physical labor. It's not something that demands too much of me. Yes, sometimes I get stressed out, but that's normal when you spend your time talking to people all day, dealing with their problems, trying to pass along their messages, cleaning up other people's messes. And all the while trying to look busy in the quiet times, doing projects, cleaning things for the upteenth time, trying to make sure that I'm productive when there's absolutely nothing to produce. Sometimes I need octopus hands to get everything done, sometimes I wish time would pass faster so I didn't look like I was doing nothing sitting behind my desk. I mean it looks like we don't really do much, but without us, the place probably wouldn't run. Most of the employees don't know how to invoice out a client, let alone file the paperwork, follow protocol, etc etc. It doesn't sound taxing, but it can be. Some days I just want to cry I'm so tired, and stressed, and if there's a particularly heartbreaking case (like the people that have only 7 ferrets now since they lost 4 in the past months), I don't want to put on a strong face and ignore my innermost sympathetic urges. Sometimes I wish I could just hug people. But that wouldn't be professional. There's a fine line, rules to be obeyed, not to be dismissed in the front of feeling.

But back to the matter at hand. Poetry. Why I'm not writing it anymore.

Honestly, while I was in high school, I wrote practically every day. I was more in touch with my innermost self, and yet I was a mystery to myself. I'm even more so now. I feel as though I've lost my touch, my compulsion to put down something important on paper, my desperation for someone to see into my head, and maybe like it, if I was lucky enough for that to happen. I can't remember the last time I posted something to DeviantART, but I think it included the line "God, I'm rusty".

Oh no, that's a lie. It was the snippet of "Ella Rose" that I never finished writing. I'm lazy even in my hobbies! What's the matter with me.

"Like an introvert, I drew my overshirt around my arms and began to shiver violently before you happened to look and see the tunnels all around me, running into the dark underground. All the subways around created great sound." - Owl City, "A Saltwater Room"

Okay I have to end this quick before my fingers fall off.

"All my islands have sunk in the deep and I can hardly relax, or even oversleep." - Owl City, "A Saltwater Room"