Good morning/afternoon/night wherever you are, dreamers. For me it's hitting that stage of evening where I'm between chaos - it's still early enough to get things done but late enough that I'm starting to panic because I am running out of day.
Does anyone else do that? Look at how many waking hours you have left in the day and start to panic because the number is not as high as you'd like it to be? Please tell me I'm not the only one, guys. Please help ease my little anxious mind.
These are the things that trouble me. The lack of writing, the lack of artistic influence, the bad singing to EDM and the like in the car, the bad diet, the poor motivation, worse sleep.
It's taking it's toll, all of it, and today I ignored it. For a few very brief hours, I was able to put aside my anxiety and simply do the work. Unless you have an anxiety problem you won't understand what that means, and why it's significant to have a short time of not worrying, not thinking somewhere else, not off in my own little mind dwelling on things that I can't control. Anxiety is a funny thing. I try not to really preach about it much because I am not diagnosed with anything or on any medications. Part of that is because I'm completely terrified of the doctor. The other part is I'm not convinced I'm not just full of shit and making it all up. Everything I read points to pretty severe social anxiety though, and I wouldn't be surprised. I'm also extremely introverted, so being around people constantly without any time to myself is very draining and turns me into a terrible person after a long enough period of time! And by long enough period of time I mean it varies - from a day to a couple of hours to a week. Just really depends on where I am on my mental spectrum at that point in time, I guess. I can't really describe it any better than that. Isn't that sad? I like to call myself a writer and really I just bullshit a lot.
Though, I was talking to friends about this recently: artistic folk will always think their own work is shit. Famous poets and painters are some of the most introverted and mentally ill folk around. Seriously, look it up. But back to my point - if you are at all artistically inclined, you know what I mean. Everything that you create is bullshit until someone reads it and gets it too. It's kind of funny, actually. I guess even in my writing I am constantly seeking the approval of others.
I feel like half of my life is spent making others happy and the other half is spent making sure I don't have to do anything but what I want to do. I'm like the social recluse.
And no recluse spider jokes guys, you know I'm an arachnophobic.
Okay, I think it's about enough rambling and time for a "music I love" list!
"Lean On" - Major Lazer (this is seriously my favourite song of the moment)
"Honey I'm good" - Andy Grammar
Anything by Florence+The Machine's new album. Seriously, anything.
That's about it for now! xx
