'when you kissed me on this town square, all the lights came on, and sunset thought you'd stay. evil angel, bearing apples, when you kissed me on this drawbridge, as the boats came through, how was I to know you'd flee? tear down these monuments, bury the coat of arms.'
Rufus Wainwright. Calm. Instant.
my cats are fighting, and i dont care about grammar right now.
i'll probably read this later and delete it, as im ashamed already for the state of this entry. but this is my state of mind at this time.
i finished every single episode of bones netflix had to offer, and have been on a weeds marathon for the past three days - hence i am already on the third season. its addictive - pardon the pun, haha.
and now rufus calms me after a morning of confused numbness. i don't know why i don't feel all the time. some days i just don't and can't explain it. this is literally just a rant.
i started writing some odd story the other day but have stalled on it once again. its a dream that i had months ago and wrote down the aspects of in a word document. rather than beginning with the protagonists story, i started with one of his friends instead. i don't know where its going yet but if i actually continue maybe it'll be something worth reading to someone at some point.
'drinking rose in the rain'
'although you may not see me, the trees, they will remember. speak my name and the rose will be sweet, and suddenly, weather will retreat.'
sometimes i can't make out all the words to rufus' music but i think its meant to be that way. i think that's what he intends with that voice of his. id kill to see him in concert. it would be magic.
i wish i had some pictures to post but i dont cause i don't really get out of the house much. even now the only thing i feel is tired and music.
'pretty things, so what if i like pretty things? pretty lies, so what if i like pretty lies? from where you were to where i am now, i need these pretty things, around the planets of my faith. everythings a sign of my astrology.'
now my cats are calm and sitting on the windowsill watching the world go by outside. sometimes i wish i had a cats life...itd be so easy! however with my luck id end up being one of the ones no one wants and get euth'd for convenience to make room for the nice kitties.
my friend recently broke up with his gf of over a year, and now he talks about coming to see me in CR, and i don't know what i think about that. id like to meet him as he is a good friend and id like to see him happy but i am in a relationship at this time and i dont want to compromise it. i know if he comes here he'll want to spend every minute with me, and with H now i dont know how that could work. obviously he'd stay here with us but i don't want to ruin what ive worked to build with H and this just might. he doesn't want to ruin it either and understands but i dont know if he really does, in his state of mind. hes desperate for someone to love him and he deserves it, but i dont think its me. he seems to think so.
meanwhile my other friend is going to be having multiple babies and the other day my roommate and i went into walmart and i saw the pregnancy tests and got very depressed and listless. what is going on with this body of mine...i need to get it straightened out and be put on some kind of medication to stop these cravings for a child. i dont have the money or stability to support another person, so why do i want one so badly? some of my fb friends have recently gotten pregnant or have just had a baby and i wonder why this seems to be my only dream for the future. and i love H but he doesnt want kids, probably not for a long, long time. balked at the idea. the notion.
fair enough. we're only 20, theres life left to live, but i feel like im wasting time. sad.
dont know what else to talk about. rufus is singing about a consort.
anubis is lying next to me while phoenix stretches out on the windowsill like a lazy fatass - like his mum. lol why do i want a baby when i have two idiot kids already? nuubie and pheeny sure do keep me on my toes..
'when i am over these small goddamn hills, theres no reason for my mind to be still. oh, and i feel like a beautiful child, such a beautiful child again'
'sometimes you need a stranger to talk to'
'i will never be defeated, i will never come undone. i will never know the way it feels to be just anyone. i will never fall just as you all fall around me, so, i will never know, i will never know. i will never be the one to tell you that i need you more, nor will i have to be the one who's walking out the door.'
