Women and Horses

Because I'm crazy, I haven't posted in a while. That's mostly due to the fact that summer has arrived on the lovely coast of sleepy Campbell River, and I am pleased to be warm and enjoying the ocean again. I missed summer ocean. One of these days, I'll be going down to the rocks with a camera and experimenting with my pseudo photography skills. It'll be great; I've been aching to get out there. Boyfriend and I went down this past weekend and checked out some tidepools by the shore. It was magical; I swear I'm happiest and most content by the water. Not to be confused with on the water - I'm petrified of drowning, and therefore scared of boats of any kind, and am not an avid swimmer (I can swim well enough to keep myself alive). But when I walk along the beach, or am near the ocean's crested waves, I feel so unbelievably calm.
I don't really have anything else to share, so how about a couple random edited pictures?

Phoenix and his mum. <3

Being a dork, because I have nothing better to do.

Tea - the best drink on the planet <3

An Odd Dream

I have to write down this really scary/emotionaly scarring/sickly dream.

You know how in dream sequences you can be in a familiar place, but it looks a little different? That is what this was.

At work in the treatment room we have two treatment tables, behind which is a sink, some supplies, and the surgery doors. So in this dream, I was lying on the treatment table, getting my knees examined. I was told there were multiple abcesses in them, and they would need to be excised immediately.

Now, I don't have a lot of medical knowledge, but what I know I know from veterinary medicine, and what I do know is abcesses aren't tumors, and they aren't excised. They're something that puffs up and causes infection, like if a dog swallows a stick and it punctures, they may get an abcess where it does so. That kind of thing. Certainly not something that is surgically removed. It is drained.

But anyway, in a hazy anesthetized state, I watched as two doctors (neither of which were vets, thank goodness) cut small marks in my knees (to release the pressure, I'm guessing) and then placed drains (the only thing that really tied what happened to an abcess). When they were finished, I had several drains sticking out of my legs in various places.

However, I'm remembering now that they used a local anesthetic which failed part way through, so even though I was under a general anesthetic (kind of), I could feel everything they did, and it was excruciating.

So following that, I woke and found most of my coworkers looking over me. I wanted to get off the table but they wouldn't let me.

As it turned out, the "tumor/abcess" things that apparently they took out and then drained (I don't know, it was a dream okay...none of this makes sense medically) were cancerous, malignant, and I had 12 months to live. They also told me that my blood work came back. I was 3 months pregnant.

At this point everything goes dark. I wanted to know if the surgery was going to hurt the baby. I wanted to get off the table. I wanted to get away from them.

Everyone seemed evil in a sense. They had told me I had accomplished my greatest dream - and that I would never get to see my child grow up. If the labor didn't kill me, I would have just under 6 months with my son or daughter. It was a very emotionally painful dream.

I awoke from it feeling rather sick.



Oh Hey

I slept in till noon with my kitty on me, and showered, did laundry, made tea, and have not since left the couch besides to refill my tea and switch the laundry. Phoenix has slept next to me almost all day. I love my baby-cat. <3
Successful day off is successful. I just have three more days of work and then a three day weekend over Victoria Day! I'm pretty excited for that. I had 2 days off in a row last week but before that I hadn't had 2 days in a row for weeks. Now I get a three day weekend and I'm very excited to have some downtime - especially with my roommate, who doesn't work the stat holiday either, so we'll have a full two days together. Usually we're only able to do anything together on Sundays, but this week we'll have both Sunday and Monday. That makes me very happy - our work schedules are usually the same, but lately I've been working every Saturday, and she gets weekends off.
I'm watching Bones again...and it's the episode Brennan proposes to Booth that she wants a baby, but no husband, and wants his sperm. Haha. Watching Booth be uncomfortable is hilarious! All he's going to do all episode is squirm under Brennan's anthropological logic as to why they should have a baby together.
Anyway, I took some pictures of the kitties yesterday that I'll post (because I'm a crazy cat lady, doi).

Phoenix's eyes always get so wide when he's near a window. I think it's his favourite spot (the window changes occaisionally).

He likes to chew on the tassle that pulls the blinds up. I let him sniff it before he tried to bite the plastic bit. Goofy boy.

This is Phoenix's "oh, really?" face. Which pretty much means, "get the camera out of my face, mum, I'm trying to watch the goings-on outside."

Anubis, rather, likes to chew on the blinds themselves.

The cats were looking out the window, when I got the idea to put the camera flat on the windowsill and push it until they were both in the frame. Then, in curiousity, they bent over it and I snapped this clever picture. Hehe. <3

I suppose that's all the kitty cat pictures for today.

I'm Watching Bones

Therefore, pictures of our recent hike in the Elk Falls Trail.

This forest was filled with beautiful trees.

The natural frame in this picture is so lovely.

***

Okay, I put the computer away after I finished watching Bones and didn't finish this entry.

Here's another picture from that wander about in the forest last Saturday. I think the spots on the lense are kind of...unprofessional looking, but since I don't have an actual photo editing program (and most of the pictures I post on here are unedited anyway), I left them, and in the end I actually kind of like it. The drops remind me of a macro shot, and that makes me like this picture more, even though I'm already in love with it, the sunshine is so beautiful.

Again, another photo I find stunning...nature is incredibly varied.

Anyway, I'll do a bit of catch up now.

I was so worried that boyfriend didn't like me anymore cause he stopped texting me for a couple of days - we hadn't seen each other in a week and suddenly I stopped getting replies. I was worried. But we dropped by this evening to invite him to see a movie with us (line was horribly long so we stayed in) and all was good; his phone was dead and once it was charged he didn't put it back in his pocket. Whew!

I'm glad all was well; I really didn't want this to go downhill.

My cats are lying on the couch next to me, licking each other's ears. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. <3 I've got some more pictures of them..probably will do another entry tomorrow (because come on, the internet will never have enough pictures of cats).

I think that's all. I'm braindead but not tired yet so who knows, maybe I'll post again.

The pretty sleeping one

Now I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson...

"The sun had painted pretty patterns on your face as you breathed Sunday air, and rolled onto my open arm. I became your pillow, you let smooth your hair."

From "Morning Lullabies".

Why is it that every time I've gotten this little window into intimacy, into calm, into quiet, that it closes abruptly with something so stupid as mentioning a dream that's dead before it began?

"Let me lie in the curve of your body tonight, and I will hear you tumble into sleep. I will watch you heal, I'll watch you heal with me. I will sing you morning lullabies, you are beautiful and peaceful this way. I know you have to close your eyes on everyone, let me help you, I'll sing you to sleep with morning lullabies."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmlDWR1QGuk

It's necessary that if you're reading this, that you listen to this song, and I hope you understand why it makes me feel so tired, so sad, so broken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5L7xxb-q8w

Ingrid, you make me cry with your incredible music.

"In the salty sea, I find you're all but gone. Take my hand, you're treading water, and I feel sand slipping away from underneath our toes. Nobody knows; where is it she goes?"

So this is what i've been doing this morning since he left...I knocked over a cup of tea I just made, and fell to the floor, cleaned it, and cried about it. What is going on with my goddamn brain?

Where is my brain going?

Why do I so desperately want something that will "end my life", "ruin my youth", and is something that he so loathes to think about? We discussed it again today. We've been togehter 5 months and look at me, leaping into the end of the world.

"Where is it she goes, when those sad eyes close?"

I want a piano.

It's been decided, I want to play and sing, and feel the music transport me like it used to. I miss the magic that came with creating music with my hands.

"What if we stop having a ball? What if the paint chips from the wall? What if there's always cups in the sink, what if I'm not what you think? What if I fall further than you? What if you dream of somebody new? What if I never let you in, chase you with a rolling pin, well, what if I do? I am giving up, on making passes, and I am giving up on half empty glasses, and I am giving up on greener grasses, I am giving up."

God, I'm fucked up.

I need to be on medication or something. I need my personality type to  match his. I need to be energetic, playful, creative. I need to be a kid, I need to be a young person, not an old lady in a twenty year old body who's too exhausted to do anything. I need to be better, for his sake, for my love. I need to. And for whatever reason, my body is not responding to the ultimatum I'm trying to give it. I don't know why.

Why do I want this so much? What's wrong with me?

Why am I putting this in an internet document, much less? Why am I not spurting this to the people who really matter, who will really listen? Why am I drowning in Ingrid Michaelson and pouring my troubles out to an anonymous, non-existant audience?

"It's fairly simple to cut right through the mess and to stop the muscle that makes us confess. We are so fragile, our cracking bones make noise, and we're just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."

Sometimes I want to hug and never let go.



So I attempted...

...to be healthy and got screwed over. Yes, in moving I managed to lose the vital part of my blender that allows me to attach the cup to the base. So this morning I decided I was going to be a healthy sammy and make a fruit smoothie with almond milk...and happily cut up strawberries, a banana, and poured almond milk over the works. I was hoping for some kind of protein thing to make this better but I haven't gotten around to buying anything of the kind yet. Anyway, as I failed to anticipate, I was missing part of my blender, and after getting everything into the cup I went to look for it and it was nowhere to be found.

Now, since my job is rather high stress and I had a rough day yesterday, I am home today on a day off and still slept poorly, have failed many times to keep my cats off the counter, and I am just in general a depressed individual, this attack on my plea for health/veganism crushed me. I fell to the cupboards in tears and later wondered why this made me so upset. I mean, I should have checked for all the parts before even starting, but I was so excited to finally be leading a (somewhat) healthy lifestyle...and by that I mean, starting today (since last night we had some leftover ice cream birthday cake for dinner). To find my hopes dashed must have triggered some kind of mental breakdown.

Following that embarrassing episode (which I have now brashly shared with the internet) I decided to problem solve. I took my fruit and milk, poured it into a bowl, added granola, and warmed it for 30 seconds in the microwave. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed that modge-podge of ingredients. Now I am calm, eating breakfast, and listening to Kimbra (who I desperately wish would release her album "Vows" in Canada), writing this, and feeling not so bad after all.

That is my story for today.



Picture Roll

Because I'm braindead, and it's Sunday night, which means I've been day-drinking (don't tell anyone) and am too tired and lazy to do anything else.

Mah eyes. They're blue.

The light coming in from my kitchen window made them so blue, and I quite enjoyed the depth of color in them, even if the rest of my face is plain and alabaster in appearance.

Anubis looking grumpy as usual. Phoenix is behind him.

Phoenix just woke up from a nap. He looks so lovely, doesn't he? My little baby-cat (crazy cat lady? that's MISS crazy cat lady to YOU).

This one is taken by my roommate, from her vantage point. Me and my kitties. What could be better?

Anubis looks impressed.

With the window open, Phoenix is mystified about the goings-on outside. It doesn't matter what's happening in the house, his attention seems to be always elsewhere. Perhaps if we didn't live on such a busy street, and there weren't cats all over the place in this complex, I'd consider letting Phoenix and his brother out.

We were eating some pasta and my roommate/best friend fed Anubis some of the sauce. He started licking his lips and, intending to get a picture of his cute face while begging, I captured this accidentally instead. Somehow, I'm not complaining. :)

Someone's begging for a treat so cute :3

I just gave them a treat and once again, accidentally captured Nuubie licking his lips in an obnoxious but hilarious pose.

Introducing my new baby, Stellaluna! She's a snow corn snake, and I love her. <3

Hopefully this will show her true size. She's so tiny. Her birthdate is May 4th, so she's just barely over a year old now (in other news, my cats will be 1 year old on May 8th; two days from now!! We have so much planned, I'm sure there will be many pictures to follow).

She's fuzzy here, but now you can see how small she is against my hand. Such a tiny little precious.

Me trying to pose "cute" for my boyfriend behind the camera, with my new sweet Stellaluna.