Spitfire

Peanut butter m&m's are delicious.
I have made the collective and somewhat fleeting decision to stop eating meat. It's not too difficult considering I don't really eat a lot of it anyway.
***
I am on a lovely day off now. It's odd to have a work day in between my days off, but because I know why it is that way, it's okay. Mondays are my administrative days anyway; where I take care of all the phone calls, reminder letters, reports. It's easy because all I have to do is sit at the back desk and get my stuff done. I'm pretty effecient at it, too. At least that's what my manager says. She's impressed - I'm happy. Working is fun some days, distressing other days. I've been opening the past couple weeks, and will continue on this schedule until probably July, if not August. It's nice to know that I don't have to worry about closing at the end of the day - which can be stressful.
Since it's only 8:30 I haven't deemed it necessary to get out of bed, and have been interneting from my warm cocoon of sleep. I should probably do stuff, but really don't want to bother. My cats are running rampant, destroying things (most likely).
"1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more."

I love Campbell River for this reason: constant access to the ocean. Whenever I'm near the water I feel so calm and content - like there's some part of me that just wants to be there all the time. I love watching the birds skim along the surface, seeking crabs in tidepools, skipping rocks, looking for beach glass. Yes, the ocean is probably my one true love in this world. It is constant. It is magnificently powerful and calm all in the same breath. The ocean is always changing, yet it is always there, always waiting for what's next. I simply adore it.

Here's another picture from the other side of the park we went to the other day. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and it's actually a park where my grandparent's memory is preserved with a picnic bench my father's family members put together money to dedicate. It's interesting that it was placed at this park, because it is directly across from the apartment building where my mom's mom used to live. I miss my grandparents every day, all of them, and intend to honor their memory by naming my future child after them. My mom's mom was Flora (but her sisters called her "tune" as a short form of Petunia), and my dad's mom Lolita Pearl, my dad's dad Joseph, and my mom's dad Robert. When I think of a future child, I imagine a girl. Since my cousin already has a son named Joseph I'd probably make it the middle name or something. It's my brother's middle name too, but he has both my grandfather's names. I don't know how I'll work it out, but I will. It'll happen.

"You said your love would always be mine for eternity, and you could never love apart from me."

Now that I've rambled about the ocean, I think I'll finish this, because I don't really have anything else to talk about. Sad life I live.

evil angel, with your cleft tongue

'when you kissed me on this town square, all the lights came on, and sunset thought you'd stay. evil angel, bearing apples, when you kissed me on this drawbridge, as the boats came through, how was I to know you'd flee? tear down these monuments, bury the coat of arms.'
Rufus Wainwright. Calm. Instant.
my cats are fighting, and i dont care about grammar right now.
i'll probably read this later and delete it, as im ashamed already for the state of this entry. but this is my state of mind at this time.
i finished every single episode of bones netflix had to offer, and have been on a weeds marathon for the past three days - hence i am already on the third season. its addictive - pardon the pun, haha.
and now rufus calms me after a morning of confused numbness. i don't know why i don't feel all the time. some days i just don't and can't explain it. this is literally just a rant.
i started writing some odd story the other day but have stalled on it once again. its a dream that i had months ago and wrote down the aspects of in a word document. rather than beginning with the protagonists story, i started with one of his friends instead. i don't know where its going yet but if i actually continue maybe it'll be something worth reading to someone at some point.
'drinking rose in the rain'
'although you may not see me, the trees, they will remember. speak my name and the rose will be sweet, and suddenly, weather will retreat.'
sometimes i can't make out all the words to rufus' music but i think its meant to be that way. i think that's what he intends with that voice of his. id kill to see him in concert. it would be magic.
i wish i had some pictures to post but i dont cause i don't really get out of the house much. even now the only thing i feel is tired and music.
'pretty things, so what if i like pretty things? pretty lies, so what if i like pretty lies? from where you were to where i am now, i need these pretty things, around the planets of my faith. everythings a sign of my astrology.'
now my cats are calm and sitting on the windowsill watching the world go by outside. sometimes i wish i had a cats life...itd be so easy! however with my luck id end up being one of the ones no one wants and get euth'd for convenience to make room for the nice kitties.
my friend recently broke up with his gf of over a year, and now he talks about coming to see me in CR, and i don't know what i think about that. id like to meet him as he is a good friend and id like to see him happy but i am in a relationship at this time and i dont want to compromise it. i know if he comes here he'll want to spend every minute with me, and with H now i dont know how that could work. obviously he'd stay here with us but i don't want to ruin what ive worked to build with H and this just might. he doesn't want to ruin it either and understands but i dont know if he really does, in his state of mind. hes desperate for someone to love him and he deserves it, but i dont think its me. he seems to think so.
meanwhile my other friend is going to be having multiple babies and the other day my roommate and i went into walmart and i saw the pregnancy tests and got very depressed and listless. what is going on with this body of mine...i need to get it straightened out and be put on some kind of medication to stop these cravings for a child. i dont have the money or stability to support another person, so why do i want one so badly? some of my fb friends have recently gotten pregnant or have just had a baby and i wonder why this seems to be my only dream for the future. and i love H but he doesnt want kids, probably not for a long, long time. balked at the idea. the notion.
fair enough. we're only 20, theres life left to live, but i feel like im wasting time. sad.
dont know what else to talk about. rufus is singing about a consort.
anubis is lying next to me while phoenix stretches out on the windowsill like a lazy fatass - like his mum. lol why do i want a baby when i have two idiot kids already? nuubie and pheeny sure do keep me on my toes..
'when i am over these small goddamn hills, theres no reason for my mind to be still. oh, and i feel like a beautiful child, such a beautiful child again'
'sometimes you need a stranger to talk to'
'i will never be defeated, i will never come undone. i will never know the way it feels to be just anyone. i will never fall just as you all fall around me, so, i will never know, i will never know. i will never be the one to tell you that i need you more, nor will i have to be the one who's walking out the door.'

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

I finally bought Kimbra's album Vows and have been listening to every song on repeat coupled with every song on Rufus Wainwright's new album Out Of The Game. I am so in love with the mixture. Two of my favourite artists - Rufus, of course, my ultimate favourite male singer, and now I'm continuing to fall in love with Kimbra. I have so many female artist loves, but there's something about her that can't be contained. Then again, there's my beloved "pop crack", meaning the popular pop music that comes out all the time, and for whatever reason, Carly Rae Jepson's Call Me Maybe is always stuck in my head. It's so damn catchy, but so transparent. I wish I was better than this, but I'm really not. I guess it's just my guilty pleasure.
In other news, despite my desperate want and dream to become pregnant, I was reminded last night with a vengeance that my uterus has no such plans. Yes, after almost a month off, my lovely female friend has come to visit, and I was both relieved and disappointed. Relieved because I know that I'm not unhealthy in that department (even though it seems my cycle is two times as long as the average person), and also that I can drink wine. Yay, wine. And disappointed because yes, I was considering for a moment that some other intervention was the cause of my period's hiatus. Sadly, that is not the case, but one day, it will be, and I'll probably jump up and down for joy. In the meantime, this huge tummy of mine needs to get lost, and being on a period does not help with the pathetic attempt to lose weight. All it wants is chocolate.
"I feel the four become five, and I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for you to walk down the boulevard, and to take me, take me, take me. But the moment you appear, you wake me, wake me, wake me, out of the slumbers of my head, from the slums of loneliness. And there's no conspiracy behind the way to high streets, when love is a two way street. And I think I'm ready to let you get under my skin. I can't make you fall for me - love is a two way street." - Kimbra "Two Way Street"
On my one day off besides Sunday (now that I work every Saturday I don't get two days off in a row anymore, not even on weekdays), I didn't manage to sleep in, but I did get some much needed cleaning done. It was a zen time, laundry, kitchen, bathrooms. My cat slept so hard he fell off his cat post, and I freaked cause it happened behind me, and suddenly he was blinking and when I tried to grab him he ran away. Poor baby.
In between cleaning I have been interneting and watching Bones - Netflix only has the 6 seasons, and I'm almost done. What on earth will I do unil they release the 7th?! Maybe start watching something else...but I just love Bones so much, I'll probably be a bit lost for a while. One of my favourite characters was shot in the last episode I watched, and it was quite sad...
"Cece was the anarchist empress of Austria, and I was in the same state that she was in, wondering over and over and how can I get over it, and wondering if hell is that bad." - Rufus Wainwright "Perfect Man"
Other than that, I've been getting more and more into makeup and nail polish and etc. Watching tutorials on Youtube and I've got my favrourite "gurus" as they're called...I spend entirely too much time watching beautiful people talk about things they have and how they live their lives. I wish I could be a beautiful person too.
I don't think I relaly have anything else to talk about today. Whew.