evil angel, with your cleft tongue

'when you kissed me on this town square, all the lights came on, and sunset thought you'd stay. evil angel, bearing apples, when you kissed me on this drawbridge, as the boats came through, how was I to know you'd flee? tear down these monuments, bury the coat of arms.'
Rufus Wainwright. Calm. Instant.
my cats are fighting, and i dont care about grammar right now.
i'll probably read this later and delete it, as im ashamed already for the state of this entry. but this is my state of mind at this time.
i finished every single episode of bones netflix had to offer, and have been on a weeds marathon for the past three days - hence i am already on the third season. its addictive - pardon the pun, haha.
and now rufus calms me after a morning of confused numbness. i don't know why i don't feel all the time. some days i just don't and can't explain it. this is literally just a rant.
i started writing some odd story the other day but have stalled on it once again. its a dream that i had months ago and wrote down the aspects of in a word document. rather than beginning with the protagonists story, i started with one of his friends instead. i don't know where its going yet but if i actually continue maybe it'll be something worth reading to someone at some point.
'drinking rose in the rain'
'although you may not see me, the trees, they will remember. speak my name and the rose will be sweet, and suddenly, weather will retreat.'
sometimes i can't make out all the words to rufus' music but i think its meant to be that way. i think that's what he intends with that voice of his. id kill to see him in concert. it would be magic.
i wish i had some pictures to post but i dont cause i don't really get out of the house much. even now the only thing i feel is tired and music.
'pretty things, so what if i like pretty things? pretty lies, so what if i like pretty lies? from where you were to where i am now, i need these pretty things, around the planets of my faith. everythings a sign of my astrology.'
now my cats are calm and sitting on the windowsill watching the world go by outside. sometimes i wish i had a cats life...itd be so easy! however with my luck id end up being one of the ones no one wants and get euth'd for convenience to make room for the nice kitties.
my friend recently broke up with his gf of over a year, and now he talks about coming to see me in CR, and i don't know what i think about that. id like to meet him as he is a good friend and id like to see him happy but i am in a relationship at this time and i dont want to compromise it. i know if he comes here he'll want to spend every minute with me, and with H now i dont know how that could work. obviously he'd stay here with us but i don't want to ruin what ive worked to build with H and this just might. he doesn't want to ruin it either and understands but i dont know if he really does, in his state of mind. hes desperate for someone to love him and he deserves it, but i dont think its me. he seems to think so.
meanwhile my other friend is going to be having multiple babies and the other day my roommate and i went into walmart and i saw the pregnancy tests and got very depressed and listless. what is going on with this body of mine...i need to get it straightened out and be put on some kind of medication to stop these cravings for a child. i dont have the money or stability to support another person, so why do i want one so badly? some of my fb friends have recently gotten pregnant or have just had a baby and i wonder why this seems to be my only dream for the future. and i love H but he doesnt want kids, probably not for a long, long time. balked at the idea. the notion.
fair enough. we're only 20, theres life left to live, but i feel like im wasting time. sad.
dont know what else to talk about. rufus is singing about a consort.
anubis is lying next to me while phoenix stretches out on the windowsill like a lazy fatass - like his mum. lol why do i want a baby when i have two idiot kids already? nuubie and pheeny sure do keep me on my toes..
'when i am over these small goddamn hills, theres no reason for my mind to be still. oh, and i feel like a beautiful child, such a beautiful child again'
'sometimes you need a stranger to talk to'
'i will never be defeated, i will never come undone. i will never know the way it feels to be just anyone. i will never fall just as you all fall around me, so, i will never know, i will never know. i will never be the one to tell you that i need you more, nor will i have to be the one who's walking out the door.'

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

I finally bought Kimbra's album Vows and have been listening to every song on repeat coupled with every song on Rufus Wainwright's new album Out Of The Game. I am so in love with the mixture. Two of my favourite artists - Rufus, of course, my ultimate favourite male singer, and now I'm continuing to fall in love with Kimbra. I have so many female artist loves, but there's something about her that can't be contained. Then again, there's my beloved "pop crack", meaning the popular pop music that comes out all the time, and for whatever reason, Carly Rae Jepson's Call Me Maybe is always stuck in my head. It's so damn catchy, but so transparent. I wish I was better than this, but I'm really not. I guess it's just my guilty pleasure.
In other news, despite my desperate want and dream to become pregnant, I was reminded last night with a vengeance that my uterus has no such plans. Yes, after almost a month off, my lovely female friend has come to visit, and I was both relieved and disappointed. Relieved because I know that I'm not unhealthy in that department (even though it seems my cycle is two times as long as the average person), and also that I can drink wine. Yay, wine. And disappointed because yes, I was considering for a moment that some other intervention was the cause of my period's hiatus. Sadly, that is not the case, but one day, it will be, and I'll probably jump up and down for joy. In the meantime, this huge tummy of mine needs to get lost, and being on a period does not help with the pathetic attempt to lose weight. All it wants is chocolate.
"I feel the four become five, and I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for you to walk down the boulevard, and to take me, take me, take me. But the moment you appear, you wake me, wake me, wake me, out of the slumbers of my head, from the slums of loneliness. And there's no conspiracy behind the way to high streets, when love is a two way street. And I think I'm ready to let you get under my skin. I can't make you fall for me - love is a two way street." - Kimbra "Two Way Street"
On my one day off besides Sunday (now that I work every Saturday I don't get two days off in a row anymore, not even on weekdays), I didn't manage to sleep in, but I did get some much needed cleaning done. It was a zen time, laundry, kitchen, bathrooms. My cat slept so hard he fell off his cat post, and I freaked cause it happened behind me, and suddenly he was blinking and when I tried to grab him he ran away. Poor baby.
In between cleaning I have been interneting and watching Bones - Netflix only has the 6 seasons, and I'm almost done. What on earth will I do unil they release the 7th?! Maybe start watching something else...but I just love Bones so much, I'll probably be a bit lost for a while. One of my favourite characters was shot in the last episode I watched, and it was quite sad...
"Cece was the anarchist empress of Austria, and I was in the same state that she was in, wondering over and over and how can I get over it, and wondering if hell is that bad." - Rufus Wainwright "Perfect Man"
Other than that, I've been getting more and more into makeup and nail polish and etc. Watching tutorials on Youtube and I've got my favrourite "gurus" as they're called...I spend entirely too much time watching beautiful people talk about things they have and how they live their lives. I wish I could be a beautiful person too.
I don't think I relaly have anything else to talk about today. Whew.

Women and Horses

Because I'm crazy, I haven't posted in a while. That's mostly due to the fact that summer has arrived on the lovely coast of sleepy Campbell River, and I am pleased to be warm and enjoying the ocean again. I missed summer ocean. One of these days, I'll be going down to the rocks with a camera and experimenting with my pseudo photography skills. It'll be great; I've been aching to get out there. Boyfriend and I went down this past weekend and checked out some tidepools by the shore. It was magical; I swear I'm happiest and most content by the water. Not to be confused with on the water - I'm petrified of drowning, and therefore scared of boats of any kind, and am not an avid swimmer (I can swim well enough to keep myself alive). But when I walk along the beach, or am near the ocean's crested waves, I feel so unbelievably calm.
I don't really have anything else to share, so how about a couple random edited pictures?

Phoenix and his mum. <3

Being a dork, because I have nothing better to do.

Tea - the best drink on the planet <3

An Odd Dream

I have to write down this really scary/emotionaly scarring/sickly dream.

You know how in dream sequences you can be in a familiar place, but it looks a little different? That is what this was.

At work in the treatment room we have two treatment tables, behind which is a sink, some supplies, and the surgery doors. So in this dream, I was lying on the treatment table, getting my knees examined. I was told there were multiple abcesses in them, and they would need to be excised immediately.

Now, I don't have a lot of medical knowledge, but what I know I know from veterinary medicine, and what I do know is abcesses aren't tumors, and they aren't excised. They're something that puffs up and causes infection, like if a dog swallows a stick and it punctures, they may get an abcess where it does so. That kind of thing. Certainly not something that is surgically removed. It is drained.

But anyway, in a hazy anesthetized state, I watched as two doctors (neither of which were vets, thank goodness) cut small marks in my knees (to release the pressure, I'm guessing) and then placed drains (the only thing that really tied what happened to an abcess). When they were finished, I had several drains sticking out of my legs in various places.

However, I'm remembering now that they used a local anesthetic which failed part way through, so even though I was under a general anesthetic (kind of), I could feel everything they did, and it was excruciating.

So following that, I woke and found most of my coworkers looking over me. I wanted to get off the table but they wouldn't let me.

As it turned out, the "tumor/abcess" things that apparently they took out and then drained (I don't know, it was a dream okay...none of this makes sense medically) were cancerous, malignant, and I had 12 months to live. They also told me that my blood work came back. I was 3 months pregnant.

At this point everything goes dark. I wanted to know if the surgery was going to hurt the baby. I wanted to get off the table. I wanted to get away from them.

Everyone seemed evil in a sense. They had told me I had accomplished my greatest dream - and that I would never get to see my child grow up. If the labor didn't kill me, I would have just under 6 months with my son or daughter. It was a very emotionally painful dream.

I awoke from it feeling rather sick.



Oh Hey

I slept in till noon with my kitty on me, and showered, did laundry, made tea, and have not since left the couch besides to refill my tea and switch the laundry. Phoenix has slept next to me almost all day. I love my baby-cat. <3
Successful day off is successful. I just have three more days of work and then a three day weekend over Victoria Day! I'm pretty excited for that. I had 2 days off in a row last week but before that I hadn't had 2 days in a row for weeks. Now I get a three day weekend and I'm very excited to have some downtime - especially with my roommate, who doesn't work the stat holiday either, so we'll have a full two days together. Usually we're only able to do anything together on Sundays, but this week we'll have both Sunday and Monday. That makes me very happy - our work schedules are usually the same, but lately I've been working every Saturday, and she gets weekends off.
I'm watching Bones again...and it's the episode Brennan proposes to Booth that she wants a baby, but no husband, and wants his sperm. Haha. Watching Booth be uncomfortable is hilarious! All he's going to do all episode is squirm under Brennan's anthropological logic as to why they should have a baby together.
Anyway, I took some pictures of the kitties yesterday that I'll post (because I'm a crazy cat lady, doi).

Phoenix's eyes always get so wide when he's near a window. I think it's his favourite spot (the window changes occaisionally).

He likes to chew on the tassle that pulls the blinds up. I let him sniff it before he tried to bite the plastic bit. Goofy boy.

This is Phoenix's "oh, really?" face. Which pretty much means, "get the camera out of my face, mum, I'm trying to watch the goings-on outside."

Anubis, rather, likes to chew on the blinds themselves.

The cats were looking out the window, when I got the idea to put the camera flat on the windowsill and push it until they were both in the frame. Then, in curiousity, they bent over it and I snapped this clever picture. Hehe. <3

I suppose that's all the kitty cat pictures for today.