Potential

It's possible that this weekend, I will be taking part in a personal photoshoot involving my roommate, my two kittens, and myself. Should be exciting? The photographer will be the woman who owned the cat who is the mother of our kittens.

On another note, now that I'll have some shifts at work that start at 11, I've been drinking again. And of course that means bright, fruity (gay) drinks that are filled with shots of vodka and occaisionally, sour puss? Yeah, girl drinks. But I've come up with a couple of combinations that are pretty damn delicious. First, a can of sparkling PC mango juice and two shots of raspberry Sour Puss. Second, half a cup of frozen berries blended with half a cup of Five Alive, a shot of vodka and a shot of raspberry Sour Puss (like a berry smoothie, but with notes of sour and a chill to it). Third, classic screwdriver with a twist, half a can of minute maid orange juice with half a cup of Five Alive and two shots of vodka. Oh, when I say half a cup, I mean half of the cup I'm going to be drinking out of. Not the conventional cup used for baking.

Anyway, the fact that I'm having a mixed up drink every night (granted, it's not heavy) is accounting for the fact that I'm losing sleep, and when I do sleep, I'm having a harder time waking up. So this 11 am start couldn't have come at a better time. I need the extra couple hours sleep every night, no matter how early I go to bed.

Besides that, I've been itching for a life that will be bigger than this. I'm single, and therefore alone; while I have a fantastic job that's fueling my curiosity for a better life, I feel so inferior. So many people that I know have gone on to do better things. All I have going for me is the fact that I have a good job, and I love it.  But I'm aching for being older. I'm aching for serious relationship, marriage, babies. I'm aching for embracing teenage life, partying, drinking, hooking up with random guys. I feel like until I'm suitably attractive, I can't have any of this. So I'm trying to work on that...but as always, I'm procrastinating, and I don't think I've made any progress.

I'm sad - basically, that's what I'm trying to get across - and I don't understand why. I don't deserve to be, considering I don't have any real reason to be. It's just self pity. As always. But that's enough for tonight...this pity party is over for tonight.

Quote: "This is a trip through a children's clothing store." - Clinton, What Not To Wear

Lyric: "Are you there, Jah? It's me, Ras Trent." - Ras Trent, The Lonely Island

Picture: Phoenix just being Phoenix. <3

A Note To Make You Understand

Yeah, I'm still listening to Stereo Hearts.

My cats are morons. They so far have managed to destroy three rolls of paper towel (by clawing and playing with it), a cup of hot tea, and the end of my favourite piece of furniture, my passed-down futon. Morons. Anyway, I love them more than anything, despite their idiocy. The lucky buggers. Phoenix is currently trying to trap a fly on the other side of the window. What a smartie pants. Also, I think he's getting fat. Goddamn it.

I'm in pain, and feel ill, but my roommate is caretaking for me. What a delight she is. My foot is doing better, but I still can't walk properly, though I am limping less with each passing day. It's getting to be less of a complete inconvenience.

What else is new? Pfft. Nothing. I'm as boring as ever.

I hope to do some more shopping today. Probably just Willow Point, since I shouldn't be walking around too much. But shopping nonetheless! The dollar store, the book store, probably Serious Coffee so I can sit and use the power of a London Fog to rejuvinate myself, People's if I can manage their high prices, Willow's Market, maybe even visit my mom, if she's home. Should be a good afternoon. After all, I did sleep till 10:30. Of course, I was up till 3 am having..-ahem-...fun times. >.>

When You Feel Lost

My heart's a stereo, turn to me when you feel lost.

Can't get this song out of my head. My coworker listens to it all the time and now it's stuck on me. Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy it.

Today work was rather unpleasant. We started it off with a euth, and the guy wasn't very nice about it, not that it's particularly easy to be pleasant when your cat is being put to sleep. But that aside, he was an uncomfortable person to be around, and I spent a lot of time wondering what to say to him. He was a very cold, confused individual. Then, an emergency dog that came in ended up dying, which was tragic. Her owner pulled out all the stops over the past six months to try and make her feel better, but nothing seemed to work for very long. Eventually, she started having to keep coming in every couple of weeks. This last time (before she came in yesterday), she'd only been at home for ten days in between. It's really very sad. Yesterday she came in for incontinence, bleeding from the vulva, and a swollen muzzle. We put her on fluids, did blood tests, a urinalysis, prescribed her medication, etc, etc. Covered all the bases. But, this morning, she was worse than yesterday, and we started noticing that she was straight up bleeding from her vulva, not just bleeding into her urine. Her muzzle was more swollen. We ok'd xrays with her owners and discovered she was hemorraging from her vulva up to her chest - which was causing the swelling in her nose (it was more hemoragging). Again, the owners were contacted and as a last resort, the attending dr suggested sending her off to Vancouver Emergency for 24 hour fluids and observation. The owners discussed her options and decided that rather than have her suffer without them being with her, to put her out of her misery. She was euthanized as well, and my coworker and I sat up front behind the desk while the mrs tries to catch her breath in her grief behind the scenes. It's incredibly painful to hear someone expressing so much anguish and knowing that we couldn't do anything to stop her from feeling this way. Of course she apologized for her outburst, and her hysteria. And of course, we told her it's perfectly understandable, and consoled her as best we could. It's difficult, in a professional setting, to reach out to someone while trying to maintain the fact that this is a business, and it happens virtually every day.

Anyway, after that I went home for a little bit and then we all went downtown so I could get some more christmas shopping done. I still have some left to do, but Christmas is four weeks and two more paychecks away, so I'm not too worried at this point. I still have lots of time. I just hope that my family will appreciate the gesture - this will be the first time I'll have money of my own (really) to spend on members of my family, my roommate, and my roommate's family.

That's it for today. Yeesh. I'm tired of writing.

Picture Roll

Yup, time for another picture reel of random pictures, mostly because I finally have some pics of my stitches, and I don't really have anything to talk about today.

First, Phoenix, because I'm a crazy cat lady:

Next, my dad's handiwork on my foot from last night. The picture was taken just out of the shower this evening, so the bandage is a little damp.

First look at my disgusting, barbed-wire looking stitches in my toe. Ew.

There's a Nuubie in the bathroom corner

A look at my roommate's handiwork - a hand decorated bandage and a hand drawn Phoenix! :)

Yay. <3



5 Stitches

Well, what started as a good day off yesterday ended in disaster. I was gathering up some things to go upstairs for some soup, when I decided I should turn back and get my tea mug too so I could make a cup of tea at the same time, when the can of soup slipped, causing the bowl to slip against the tea mug. I then of course, stumbled and lost my bowl, which fell against the mug, snapping off the handle. The bowl shattered against the table on the way down, and a piece of it sliced my foot, right across the big toe, starting on the inside (so there was a small cut on my other toe too). Now, it took me about an hour to realize how this actually happened. I was barefoot, and I remember looking at my foot thinking "ooh, that's bleeding". My roommate, of course, runs over to me and starts putting paper towel on my foot (which immediately soaked through with blood). I meanwhile am watching my kitten, Phoenix, who is shamelessly trying to chew on a piece of ceramic from the bowl. So now I'm holding my foot, which is bleeding on the carpet, and trying to stop my cat from eating something which could potentially send HIM to the emergency room instead! By the time my roommate's dad comes down and says I'll need stitches, I've gone into shock a little bit, and start shaking, and my biggest concern is my cat, and the slowly growing stain on the carpet.

They got me to the emergency room, my foot wrapped in an old pillowcase, and the attending nurse wrapped it up nicely in some guaze. Then we waited for almost three hours before the Dr would see me. I was doing my best to be cheerful - I mean, it was about 11:00 by that time and I'd hate to work at that hour, so I was trying to be a good patient. The guy was pretty funny, though. While he was freezing my foot (which hurt enough that apparently my pupils got very, very small for a split second) he was carrying on conversation with me, talking about where I worked, I was telling him about my comparisons between human medicine and pet medicine. He thought it was funny that one of my coworkers asked why I didn't come into the clinic where I work, and I joked back, "then I'd have to pay the after hours fee!". Anyway, after the whole sewing process, he cleaned off my foot and waited for another rn to come and bandage me up. The one the came was a very kind British man, who kept calling me "darlin". I got some homecare instructions (just like my work, haha) to keep it dry for four days, change the dressing after a day, and after a second day, take the dressing off but keep a bandaid on it. After the four days I don't have to wear a plastic bag over it in the shower anymore, but I should be keeping a bandaid on it and make sure to watch for infection.

I was impressed with the care that I got there. Besides the wait (which I could understand anyway, since there was a little boy who kept having nosebleeds who obviously took presedence over my clumsy mishap), the people were nice and the dr was cheerful. It was a pretty good experience, besides the fact that I now have 5 stitches in my foot, which I will need to get taken out in a week. I shudder at the thought of that.

Anyway, last night sure was interesting. I have spent the entire day so far sitting on the futon with my foot up on a pillow. It's all wrapped up and tucked into a loose-fitting sock too. The hardest thing is going to the bathroom; since I can barely put any weight on my foot - the cut is right across my toe, so when I step it really, really hurts - it's hard to walk, so right now I'm crawling, so I don't have to hop. Then I'm faced with the issue of standing up again. Yeesh. I'm such an unbelievable clutz.

I would post a picture, but I don't have to change the dressing till tonight so I'll snap a quick one then and post it tomorrow. Bet that's gonna be fun.

I will share this though. I edited this picture from the original I posted yesterday - I ended up going with this one for my profile on Facebook. By the way, I got a ton of attention by posting a status about waiting for stiches last night. Yay, it's nice to know so many people care about me. Even if it's facebook care. XD

Ego Fest

I took some new pictures today and wanted to post a bit of a stream of them here before deciding which one I'll eventually use for my new profile picture on Facebook. Yeah...I've been jumping between some lately, and for some reason I have acquired a liking to taking pictures of myself. Vanity = 1, Sam = 0

I think this one's a bit model-ish? Le gasp. Am I actually...starting to see myself...as something less ugly than the creature from the black lagoon? Score 2 for Vanity.

Now, if only I had the build of a model. I like this scoop-neck shirt, though.

This is really bright (I was standing by the window for the best light) but I kind of like it. :0

Staring right into the camera...gotta utilize them blues.

More vanity.

So there's my line of pictures of myself. Yeesh. I'm such a camerawhore...

Bittersweet

Happy Feet 2 was awesome. My theatre, however, screwed the night up for me. It was "cheap Tuesday", when tickets are half price, and since it's four days from payday and I've already spent way too much money, I thought why not go see the movie on this night, so I could save a little. I went with my roommate and her little sister - when we got to the box office I handed over my cash happily, knowing it was going to be cheap. However, the ticket booth guy very snidely requested an extra $3 as a "3D film surcharge"...to "pay for the cost of the glasses per patron" or some such bullshit. No. HELL NO. You advertise "cheap Tuesday" and then bring the price back up to the price of a regular ticket anyway, to "cover the cost of 3D glasses"?! Apparently, the price was "up on the website" and he also, rudely, pointed to a little piece of paper taped to the window of the box office, which displayed the change in price. Of course, when I look up showtimes, it doesn't take me to the theatre company's website. It just gives me the showtimes for the movies playing. I couldn't help but think it was a bit ridiculous. Anyway, that kind of put a damper on the movie for me. It was really quite stupid.

Work is getting better and better. I'm really enjoying getting to know our regular clients and creating relationships with the ones that come in so frequently that everyone knows them anyway. It's my favourite aspect of the job. I'm also learning so much, making a ton of notes, and bettering myself every day. The more I learn, the more I can help the people who ask me questions. And I'm doing okay with euthanasia clients too. I'm definitely getting better at talking to people about it, and expressing condolences to them. It's hardest when the people actually come in for the appointments. It's hard to know what to say to people, without tripping over myself or my words. Argh. It doesn't help that it's such a delicate situation for everyone involved.

Quote: "Wait! The lord is my shepherd but you're my ride home!" - American Dad

Lyric: "We're all we've got on this bouncing ball." - The Riddle

Picture: My :S face. So there. :S Yup.

A New Look

Yup, I changed it. Because I get bored. All the time. Like now, actually.

Snow kitteh

Okay so we never did any Geisha stuff. But we did let the kittens out to play in the snow...I wisely put Phoenix in his harness with a string attached for a leash. My roommate didn't think Anubis would "need" a harness so she let him run around by himself...problem was, he decided to get a little TOO adventurous.

It all started with bathtime this morning, and while Anubis was already dry by the time I thought I should take a picture, I did manage to snap this angry faced kitty cat.

And then my cold and wet kitty layed on my chest for a while when he was grooming himself back to dignity. It made reading pretty difficult, but the cat love was worth it, even though he got my t-shirt all wet with his damp fur.

Here's the first look at Phoenix in the snow in our front yard. He was very cautious at first, but then hopped along with the best of em! He also enjoyed watching the birds in the trees.

He danced about for a bit too, I think his feet were cold.

Anubis finally came out from under the house, and snuck under some bushes. I love this picture - I think it captures his curiosity.

Yep, there's my boys~! They really enjoyed their adventure out into the chilly world. Though I think Phoenix especially was glad to be back in the warmth of the basement, curled up next to the heater. He's stretched out on the floor right now. My little lap cat.

"Her Eyes Deep Like Water"

Memoirs of a Geisha is deeply inspiring. We're going to do a photoshoot in the snow tomorrow with geisha makeup and hopefully some good pictures willl come of it. That is, if I -CAN- look good in photos. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with cameras. I've entertained the idea of being a photographer for a couple of days, since I never miss a chance to take a picture of my kittens, or a particularly beautiful moment in the natural world (if I have my little point-and-shoot at my disposal, that is). Of course, like everything else, that notion didn't last long in my ever-changing mind.

Anyway.

Quote: "She paints her face to hide her face, her eyes deep like water." - Memoirs of a Geisha

"I don't need to try to control you, look into my eyes and I own you." Moves Like Jagger, Maroon 5

Pheeny feet.

Special Hot Chocolate

Direct from the factory of chocolate, hot water, foamy milk love. Yum! :)

Okay..I've been staring at this blank document for almost ten minutes and haven't written anything but the thing about the hot chocolate. Mostly because I'm watching How I Met Your Mother, and it's rather distracting.

Um...alright. Life. Yeah.

There's three beautiful little kittens at work now! They came from the SPCA of course. Three little girls, about 2.5 months old. There's a classic tortiseshell, black fur with flecks of brown and gold, and striking green eyes. I've nicknaked her Kiwi, for her eyes. Her sister is a fluffy muted grey tortiseshell, shy but with a face that's already won over one client who may come back and adopt her. I'm calling her Divinity, because she really is divine, and has such a lovely little personality. And then there's my personal favourite, a siamese mix with the siamese eyes and ears; she's almost all white, but has dark brown ear markings and light brown forehead markings that match her brown long tail. She's so beautiful, and if I didn't already have my sweet boys at home, I'd totally take her home with me. I've nicknamed her Pandora, because for some reason it just came to me, and it fits. I love the loyalty in a siamese cat, but they're not friendly towards other people. Phoenix is the sweetest kitty in the world, no matter how annoying he is sometimes. And I love him more than anything.

I mean, look at that face. <3

I love you Phoenix. You's mah babeh.

Autopsy

What does anyone ever really know about the world?

These are the thoughts that go through my mind while sitting in a restaurant waiting for the cheesiest bruschetta I've ever tasted. Yeah. Random photo. In a restaurant. Waiting for bruschetta.

Burning through the sky

Yep, Queen. What could be better?

"I'm burning through the sky - 200 degrees, that's why they call me Mr Farenheit! I'm travelling at the speed of light; I wanna make a supersonic man outta you! Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball!"

Anyway, today work was a whirlwind of anxiety and relaxation. Yes. I'm serious! The morning wasn't so bad until an emergency came in; a dog that had been attacked by something wild the night before. They came from Cortez Island, which only has five ferries per day, and the dog had been attacked after the last one had already left. So they called the A/H line and spoke to a Dr who advised them to keep pressure on the wounds to try and stop the bleeding. They caught the first ferry over in the morning and brought the dog in - with the whole family. We got them into an exam room and though both dr's were in surgery at the time, the technicians did their best to assess the dog's condition. Finally a Dr left surgery to assess the dog, and when the parents left the room they had smiles on their faces. They said it was looking optimistic, that they were going to put down a deposit and then come back to pick her up later. Just as the woman was going to put down the deposit, the Dr called them back into the room. Their two young daughters (one was about 12, and the younger one was probably 9 or 10) sat on the couch and waited. The youngest one had been crying since they came in. It was hard to carry on in a business/professional setting when two girls are sitting on the couch crying, I'm trying to help someone over the phone, and my coworker is helping someone over the phone. And then...the worst thing happened. All of a sudden I could hear grief-stricken wails and cries from the children and choruses of "she's dead! she's dead! but mom, she's DEAD!"

Listening to two hysterical children wail about their dead dog was tragic enough. The hardest part was trying to speak to their father, who was stricken by his daughters' reaction and clearly was trying to be composed for the sake of his family, but the look in his eyes was terrifying and painful. I had to take his payment, then explain that we'd put his dog in a burial box for them to pick up later, as per his request. Of course it was awkward to carry out his dog as well.

Anyway, we had a very quick day, since we managed to stay busy the whole time. It's nice when it works out that way.

Lyric:....I kind of already did that. ^_^

Quote: "Together forever, one day at a time." - WHOF

Picture: Yup.

Oh yeah. So that's my day. My long speil about a dog that died. -_- I'm interesting.

Show me the way to go home

Show me the way to go home

I'm tired and I want to go to bed

I had a couple drinks about an hour ago

And it's gone right to my head

Yup. I'm exhausted from our long weekend in Nanaimo and almost wish we'd left yesterday so we could have spent Sunday at home and not in a whirlwind of other stuff.

I wrote this on my Blackberry in the van on the way home - not Brighty, but the other van - to CR with a quiet evening on the horizon. I'm glad we got to spend time in Nanaimo but I couldn't wait to be home with my kitty. I missed his persistent little meow in the morning, his expectancy of breakfast before anything else, his annoyed face when I kiss his nose or hug him for too long, his strong motor purr, the way he likes to sleep in his crinkle tunnel I bought for him for $14 at Walmart when we first got the boys. Yeah, I'm definitely turning into a crazy cat lady. And I'm okay with that! He's my baby-cat, and I'd do anything for him.

Anyway, in the mall today, I bought some outlandish sushi and ate some raw fish without thinking about how bad an idea it was and now I feel rather ill. I probably shouldn't have eaten raw fish before a nearly two hour drive home, but ntohing else was appealing to me. My stomach then reminded me with every jolt of the van on the highway that I was very stupid indeed. I did my best not to think about it too much - I figured if I ignored it, it'd eventually just go away.

We went to a club on Friday night called Level Two...it was nice but we got there way too early and wanted to go home before the real party ever started anyway. It was someone's birthday and everyone that came in was coming for that reason. They all knew each other and we felt rather awkward sitting there by ourselves. The bartender, however, was cute and did everything with a flourish. Though they didn't have a blender (no strawberry margarita, sigh) he made us a couple of interesting creations that tasted really good. The first was an orange, yellow and pink drink. I'm not sure what kind of alcohol was in it, but it tasted like candy. The second one was fizzy. He made it with raspberry and apple sourpuss and something blue, then cola and soda water. That one, we could taste the alcohol in. It was good too! He was very accomodating, since we had no idea what we wanted, were rather timid, very nervous, and it was our first time. He was kind of calm, not wild and crazy, and I loved that quality about him. He was friendly, though, and had a killer smile.

Despite having a good time shopping and doing other things around Nanaimo I realized that when pent up in a dorm room with my sister and my roommate/ex girlfriend, tensions tend to run kind of high. We got on each other's nerves a lot (though there were good times too) and as always, my sister teased me left right and center. I can't say I'm surprised. She's always calling me a pussy, a coward, a lesbian, lame, stupid, the list goes on. So I was a little nervous to go to a club I didn't know in a town I didn't know. Sue me. Granted, nothing bad happened, but that's not the point. It COULD have. It was reassuring that everything went okay, though. It makes me think that maybe we'll go back one day (later in the evening, of course).

It's good to be home, though, with my kitty and my comfort zone.

Lyric: "Don't you worry there, my honey, we might not have any money, but we've got our love to pay the bills." - You and I, Ingrid Michaelson

Picture: A snapshot my roommate took of me on our second day in Nanaimo. She told me to do something "singing in the rain" inspired, since it was raining all day, so I stuck the umbrella out and did a somewhat whimsical pose.

Goodnight, no one.

Dancing in the Dark

We're going clubbing tonight. Eek. We're in Nanaimo for the long weekend staying in my sister's dorm room. A bit odd..but okay.
Boyfriend and I are no more. I discovered on his Facebook page today that he's ALREADY in a relationship with someone else. A little quick on the rebound, are we?
Made me feel like shit, anyway. Clearly I wasn't all that important in the first place. It looks like it's been going on for a bit...and she was never mentioned to me (I only know this because he replied to my 'that was fast' with 'it wasn't all that quick'). Delightful.
So I'm spending a weekend of doing nothing but what I want to...no kittens to wake me up, no work to drag me down, just me and my lovely and my sister, chillin' in Nanaimo. We're headed to a club later called Level 2...it's supposed to be fun. Who knows.
Anyway at the university there's all these bunnies running around...I took a picture of this little white one who hopped right up to us under the cover of a bush that seperated us from him/her. It was so cute.

Well...I guess that's all for now. We're gonna go get ready for clubbing. Yikes. It's the first time we've ever done something like this! Goodnight, un-readers. 

Jitters

Today I did my first close alone. It was easier than I thought it'd be. It was a busier day, so I didn't have to spend so much time thinking. Which was good, because there are a million things I could have been thinking about.

But, tomorrow evening, I'll be heading to Nanaimo for the weekend (after I get off work, of course) to shop, go clubbing, and take in my sister's university production of Romeo and Juliet. It's going to be fantastic. And, the welcome relief of a break from everything will certainly help too.

Premonition

Yeah, there's no way I could actually have a good, relaxingly slow day at work. 

Boyfriend came back from his trip and now I have to deal with our "long talk" this evening. Ugh..

Wish me luck that it goes well, will ya?

Lyric: "Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling!" - Don't stop Believing, Journey

Quote: "I bleed for a week and don't die. What's your superpower?" - I don't remember where it came from, but come on. LOL

Picture: ...another lol :D

Hehe. Goodnight...tomorrow will probably be a long one.

Can I fix it?

Crazy day at work.

First order of business - I have good news and I have bad news.

The bad news is...a small kitten (about three months old) came in on an emergency due to being attacked in the night by some unknown creature...probably another cat, or even a raccoon. She was in pretty bad shape...lots of blood and mrs crying. It was not nice. Our lady dr did her best, and by lunch hour she was starting to turn around. She mewed and shifted, and even opened her eyes a little bit. We were all overjoyed! We managed to save a little baby cat's life. It was delightful...until later that afternoon, when my colleague mentioned to me that the mrs' daughter and son would be coming by later to pick up the remains. I gasped. Audibly, so it's a good thing no one was in the foyer waiting. Apparently, it just so happened that while being outside all night, kitten got a bad case of pneumonia or something like that, and being gradually warmed up raised her body temperature enough for her sickness to really take hold and kick her to the curb. So, we didn't really save a kitty. It really isn't fair.

More bad news. I booked a euthanasia appointment for a dog I know (not personally, but as far as the clinic's concerned, I know of this dog). It was kind of sad...since the dog's 16 and he isn't doing so well anyway, but since everyone thought he'd be the "old man" who stuck it out. He gave it his all, he really did. So that's happening tomorrow. It'll be hard...since it's the first euth I'll have done start to finish.

BUT...

Now for the good news!

As of today, my semi-temporary 6 month only job became permanent! I was so happy. We're still not sure if the original girl that I'm replacing is coming back, but regardless, I have a permanent job now! Another of my colleagues is moving away next June with her husband, so I get to stick around! It's awesome.

More good news...I met a little puppy who was just so sweet and wiggly and cute, and loves to snuggle! I helped trim her nails (okay, I held her, but it was still awesome). And I met a little kitten who was thought to be a girl, but really turned out to be a boy. So that was kind of a serendipity jolt to the afternoon.

And then, after all that, the phone kept ringing off the hook, and driving everyone crazy! It just wouldn't stop! And I sold so much Advantage today I now know where in the clinic it resides and how to "fill" the order myself...the Techs pretty much said (while dealing with the emergency) "it's over there on that shelf, grab what you need." So now I can do it on my own!

Anyway, time for today's lyric, quote, and picture. Despite the rather depressing end to the day, I'm still in a chipper mood and will probably sleep well tonight.

Lyric: "Look at us, baby, look at us now." - Look at us, Sarina Paris

Okay. No quote, since I can't think of one.

Picture: Yep. That's about it.

Goodnight

A 2 post day

Looks like it, anyway. I have updates for this morning, and then I'll probably post tonight about the rest of my day and my decision, if possible.
So last night I spent about an hour off an on crying, snuggled up in a blanket on the couch. I didn't really understand why. It's a bit pathetic, but I felt the need to go on about it like I go on about everything else in my sad little life. Anyway, I was just so sad, and I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop it. Maybe it's the fact that Boyfriend wants me to get married to him based off a week of dizzy sex and dream making. Maybe it's the fact that he bought me an engagement ring I told him not to buy...maybe it's all going so fast, maybe it's just too scary. Maybe I'm a coward who never does anything with herself. I mean..what have I really done? I have a fantastic job on a fluke. It was a job I started at a year ago, on the suggestion from my (at the time) girlfriend, that I didn't even want to apply to. It's a little weird that way. Anyway...my point is, I got into something amazing without wanting to get into it, so maybe this engagement will be okay. But I find myself worrying that because he's already bought the ring, I HAVE to accept just because he's already got it, and spent all the money and time to come and see me for a week or so. I just...feel an engagement shouldn't be based on an online "relationship" and then a week of being together, and then a proposal. It's just scary.
Ex thinks I need someone who will be loyal to me, only me, and not go off on a five-day fuck spree. Yeah. I said that.
I doubt if he'll actually read this, since he's obviously...otherwise engaged (what a delightful pun), but I'm saying it anyway. And I LOVE my life here. I love my job, my beautiful kittens Phoenix and Anubis (who woke me up this morning by snuggling on either side of me), my living situation isn't perfect but I'm dealing, and the city, while generally unloved by the public, is magnificently beautiful, green, and fresh-smelling. Besides, Boyfriend doesn't even like the ocean, which is something I've lived beside all my life. I mean...he's so sweet and caring, and I really care about him a lot, but I can't seem to explain myself in a way that won't hurt him. I can see myself with him. I just can't see myself with a fiancee who isn't in the town, much less the country! I'm just...terrified, and my roommate thinks it's a very bad idea, since Boyfriend doesn't seem to really listen to my opinion on things (I didn't want to go long distance, he kept pushing until I gave in; I didn't like the sound of the ring he chose and told him not to buy it, he bought it anyway; I mentioned I was -thinking- about saving up for a visit in May, he considers it our -wedding-). It sounds terrifying, and probably very dangerous, since we're both pretty damaged.
Yes, he's the sweetest man I've ever known. He'd be willing to do anything for me, and I'm tossing it out the door because I'm scared of getting marred at 20 based on a couple of weeks of getting to know each other in real life. I want true romance, and he's so willing to give me that, but it's difficult when he has no idea what I'm like in person. I have never had a boy interested in me, in real life. I have to imagine, based on evidence, that the only men who will ever be interested in me don't truly know me. It's an upsetting notion.
I'll post again later...I have to try and cheer myself up.

I was born this way

The mood struck me to watch Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" music video again and once again, I am in awe. Gaga's rare audacity is so...disturbing...and yet, brilliant. Whoever writes for her videos/directs the artistry in them is nothing short of a creative master. Yeah, I know, she's a popular pop artist, but I can't help but love her. She employs such great messages in her pieces as well. Such. Much. Genius.
Jacksfilms on youtube makes a "Your Grammar Sucks" series that I watch and rewatch...they're hilarious. It's all comments that viewers screencap and send to Jack...so...the world is sadly...unable to comment with discernible grammar. Anyway, one of the comments is "such. much. genius". That's where I got that from. ^^;
I've been going on a posting spree of some new pictures of the boys lately...too bad Facebook is going so slow that I've only managed to post...20 some odd pictures in the past hour or so. Ah well. Lazy Saturdays and menstrual cramps will allow me to spend the time required. So I'm just sitting on the couch, snuggled under a blanket, enjoying the slow process of uploading kitty/forest/me pictures, and watching Two and a Half Men. Of course due to this lovely almost-monthly feminine issue (I say almost monthy because it seems like it's never regular and is usually a longer period in between periods than average), everything that could at one point have been seen as attractive on my body is now bigger, blotchier, and more unattractive than ever. Lol...I guess this one week is an excuse for women to feel crappy and eat chocolate and ignore the male gender altogether. I'm glad I have the opportunity to remain cozy underneath a blanket on the couch.
Anyway, in other news, Boyfriend bought me an engagement ring recently. I don't know what to think, I really don't. I'm excited, and scared, and still shocked. I'm in disbelief that someone who doesn't even know me in real life would spend money on a promise. It still blows my mind. And now he's thinking about the perfect way to do it, and the perfect place. It'll be interesting, since he's proposing in my native Campbell River, where I know all the picturesque vistas and beautiful places, and he wants to choose the perfect spot. I can't wait. I'm so excited, but I'm terrified. Especially because of our unique situation...immediately after proposing, he will be returning to America to finalize some things...and I'll be flying there a few months after our engagement, hopefully to get married. Again, SCARY. I'm really, really scared. The idea of having a ring on my finger is beautiful, but the idea of having a fiancee who doesn't even live in the same country is both sickening and saddening. Considering his promiscuity as well, it wouldn't be hard for him to pretend he's not engaged. However, if I was going to get a date, he'll see the ring, and of course won't bother (as if I would get asked out anyway...I never have been). My point is, he'll get action on a regular basis, and I'll be anxiously waiting for the day we can be together (nevermind my snuggly little muffin who I happen to live with, our relationship is over, we're just stuck to each other). I don't want to be left hanging, if that's possible. I know he wants to propose. I want to say yes...but at the same time, I feel we should spend more time together than a week before getting engaged. He's already purchased the ring...and I feel if I say no, it'll be a waste of a trip and a waste of time...therefore, it's going to guilt me into accepting when I don't know when we'll be able to be together properly. Nevermind explaining my situation to everyone who will ask. The title of "engaged" has a certain expectancy to it. It'd either warrant meeting said fiancee, or explaining that I got pregnant and wanted to be married before the baby arrived. Which is not possible, and not true. So I really don't understand how it's going to work.
Okay. There's my rant about life for today. Picture roll time.
Phoenix snoozing always makes for a cute photo. Took this not too long ago. He was sleeping next to my leg on our delightful red couch.

Little Phoenix likes to sleep in his crinkle tunnel. <3

The three kitties of the house. Pom (the ragdoll looking kitty) hopped up on the windowsill on the outside, and the boys immediately jumped up to check it out!

Phoenix and Pom didn't make very good friends; instead they acted indifferent to each other.

And Anubis was nervous of the big fluffy guy outside...and confused that while glass seperated them, they could clearly see each other.

Phoenix looks on eagerly while his brother and "new friend" meet cautiously.

There's my kitty photo spree for the day! I'll do a lyric as well..

"I'm beautiful in my way, cause god makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way."

Even though I'm an atheist this song still gets in my head and won't let go!

Til' tomorrow, un-readers.

Almost Alice

Yeah. I love Alice in Wonderland. It was the only movie I watched repeatedly growing up that both thrilled, enticed, and terrified me. When the new, Hollywood version of the "almost sequel" came out, I was so excited to see it. Saw it twice in theatres, rented in a couple times, and then finally bought the 3 disc special edition of it so now I can watch it whenever I want. So last year when I was offered a chance to -be- Alice in my (then) friend's photoshoot, I couldn't believe it! Course, she made all the costumes, and did the make up and pictures, so she deserves more credit than I do, but it was still fun :)
This first picture is kind of whimsical one...I use it as my profile picture on this site. I think it's cute.

Alice loves you :)

Is there a rabbit hole down here somewhere? I'm sure I saw it...

Hmm, would anyone care for a cup of tea?

Yeah, so I only posted pictures that were just me, so as not to step on anyone's toes by posting pics of them without their permission. But I do quite enjoy these pictures here, so why not make my oddly timed vanity public? Also...I don't know what it is, but I've dreamed since I was a girl that I could be a model in pretty pictures, and this one afternoon with my friends all dressed up, taking pictures, striking poses, running around through a forest trying to get the right feeling to a photo..kind of made me feel..like I could maybe..be a model? In something small like this?

Now, I'm not so sure. But I'm trying to work at it...chisel away at the fat that I've managed to accumulate...and become a better shape, a prettier shape, and a less embarrassing shopping-for-clothes experience. So yeah. That's my spiel about that stuff.

Lyric: "It's so easy when you know what you're doing." - Song in my head..

Quote: "I'm a kitten-monger!" - Me...with two purring kittens sleeping on my lap.

Picture: Yep, besides the pumpkin spice timbit at Timmy's, the pumpkin flavoured stuff is way out of control this year! Even though I love Starbucks, I've never had a "pumpkin latte", and I don't intend to try it! However, I will wait for the peppermint mocha and the brulee latte. :)

Goodnight.

I hate pretty girls

And...pretty much all humans (but pretty girls especially). They want, and they expect, and when they don't recieve, they get mad, and then they get whatever they were after in the first place, but with a lot more work and a lot less money. It baffles me!
But back to my thought about pretty girls. When I see Facebook pictures, model images, or even a particularly beautiful girl in person, I find this jealousy overwhelming me. It's akin to the jealousy when I see someone else's engagement ring, their loving relationship, or young baby. It's that beauty, that promise, that constant affection, and new life, that I crave and know, desperately so, that I can't have. It's an almost painful yearning for a life better than the one I'm currently living. Of course, as any incredibly anxious young person does, I feel that I must live out this part of my life, waiting always for the day when I'll be older, better, and more set. Then again, that is the exact feeling I had when I was going through high school. And now, over a year past my graduation, I've done nothing but work, work, work. Granted, I've been at the same place of work for exactly a year now, and I've been through 3 sections of the building now (boarding for 10 months, grooming for 6 weeks, and I'm in my second week for reception). I find it both surreal, and fitting. I'm hoping that I'm proving myself versatile in the clinic setting.
The job I'm doing now is very stressful. Yes, it's a lot of sitting behind a desk. Yes, I am not physically straining myself over a bathtub working with dogs anymore. It's straining in a mental way. Because almost everything I'm doing right now is brand new, I'm petrified of making a mistake, or saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or forgeting something. It's difficult to be friendly and cheerful for the clients when inside, I'm screaming fear and angst. Of course, I put on my best face, and I'm sure my coworkers think I'm friendly too. It's just so much to take in, and while I have a notebook filled with things to remember, it's hard to flip through a notebook when helping a client, when they call because they want answers to their questions and expect us to have them. I'm just not...as quick to the draw as the other girls. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself along.
So, the final thing for this entry that I want to touch on is the fact that Boyfriend and I haven't had a cohesive conversation in a few days, and it's largely due to me being more stressed out and confused then ever, and him trying to understand me, and failing. I mean, if I don't even understand me, what makes me think he ever could?
Picture: Cause I'm lazy and this pic made me laugh. So that's all you're getting. :P