A 2 post day

Looks like it, anyway. I have updates for this morning, and then I'll probably post tonight about the rest of my day and my decision, if possible.
So last night I spent about an hour off an on crying, snuggled up in a blanket on the couch. I didn't really understand why. It's a bit pathetic, but I felt the need to go on about it like I go on about everything else in my sad little life. Anyway, I was just so sad, and I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop it. Maybe it's the fact that Boyfriend wants me to get married to him based off a week of dizzy sex and dream making. Maybe it's the fact that he bought me an engagement ring I told him not to buy...maybe it's all going so fast, maybe it's just too scary. Maybe I'm a coward who never does anything with herself. I mean..what have I really done? I have a fantastic job on a fluke. It was a job I started at a year ago, on the suggestion from my (at the time) girlfriend, that I didn't even want to apply to. It's a little weird that way. Anyway...my point is, I got into something amazing without wanting to get into it, so maybe this engagement will be okay. But I find myself worrying that because he's already bought the ring, I HAVE to accept just because he's already got it, and spent all the money and time to come and see me for a week or so. I just...feel an engagement shouldn't be based on an online "relationship" and then a week of being together, and then a proposal. It's just scary.
Ex thinks I need someone who will be loyal to me, only me, and not go off on a five-day fuck spree. Yeah. I said that.
I doubt if he'll actually read this, since he's obviously...otherwise engaged (what a delightful pun), but I'm saying it anyway. And I LOVE my life here. I love my job, my beautiful kittens Phoenix and Anubis (who woke me up this morning by snuggling on either side of me), my living situation isn't perfect but I'm dealing, and the city, while generally unloved by the public, is magnificently beautiful, green, and fresh-smelling. Besides, Boyfriend doesn't even like the ocean, which is something I've lived beside all my life. I mean...he's so sweet and caring, and I really care about him a lot, but I can't seem to explain myself in a way that won't hurt him. I can see myself with him. I just can't see myself with a fiancee who isn't in the town, much less the country! I'm just...terrified, and my roommate thinks it's a very bad idea, since Boyfriend doesn't seem to really listen to my opinion on things (I didn't want to go long distance, he kept pushing until I gave in; I didn't like the sound of the ring he chose and told him not to buy it, he bought it anyway; I mentioned I was -thinking- about saving up for a visit in May, he considers it our -wedding-). It sounds terrifying, and probably very dangerous, since we're both pretty damaged.
Yes, he's the sweetest man I've ever known. He'd be willing to do anything for me, and I'm tossing it out the door because I'm scared of getting marred at 20 based on a couple of weeks of getting to know each other in real life. I want true romance, and he's so willing to give me that, but it's difficult when he has no idea what I'm like in person. I have never had a boy interested in me, in real life. I have to imagine, based on evidence, that the only men who will ever be interested in me don't truly know me. It's an upsetting notion.
I'll post again later...I have to try and cheer myself up.