Some Catching Up

Once again, excerpts from the little journal I write in when I'm bored at work. Because I'm not creative.

*Monday*

Three euths today. Lots of tears. I was thankful not to be present for the second one  - a rottie with a retarded gait and a magical personality that made everyone smile -, all the best ones go before their time. This one passed from a struggle with bone cancer.

We were crazy busy this morning and now there's nothing to do.

There's a new doctor visiting today - I wonder if she'll replace our main doctor? I hope she won't replace our female doctor who is out due to injury! She seems nice, though. I hope she'll stick around.

*Tuesday*

I am by myself and there is nothing going on. Yesterday there was a flurry of busyness; today was a similar morning but now I've done all my phone calls and pulled all the files and now I'm bored. Maybe after this appointment leaves I will put stickers on our food stock.

I have yet to get my 3 month reception review - the office manager's son hurt his ankle last week and the staff meeting (and my review) was cancelled. This wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that now I'm obsessing and panicking needlessly over it because it hasn't happened yet.

This weekend was interesting - Boyfriend met my mom and brother but apparently bringing a guy over, just the two of us, wasn't a clear enough message that we're dating. She actually emailed my sister to ask if we were "just friends" or not. Yeesh.

Well, my sister's coming back this weekend and there will be much Just Dance playing and probably some alcohol consumption and most likely a lot of Tim Horton's mochas. :3

But Boyfriend is not allowed to sleep over - we almost went all the way last weekend, but there's no way anyone could tell, it was like 4 am. Pssh. I said it wouldn't happen and it didn't. They're just being sticks in the mud.

I did get paranoid and had a horrifying pregnancy dream last night. My mom was in it for the delivery portion of the dream - I supposedly "passed out" and when I woke up, there she was. I'm unsure of the name, but something's pulling me towards 'Ella Rose'. I wouldn't name my daughter that, but it served its purpose in the dream, apparently. Plus the dream leaned more towards how much pain I was apparently in following the delivery. I don't remember too much about it, but for some reason there were difficulties. But our little 'Ella Rose' was so beautiful - beauty in its greatest form, for sure. Why is it that every time I have a "baby" dream, it's a girl, but every time it's a "kid/teen" dream, it's a boy? Weird.

Anyway, I am constantly trouble-shooting names. I know it's weak but I have three dreams - to be an author, to own a no-kill shelter/e-vet/adoption facility/sanctuary/rescue, and to be a mother. I can't wait for my dreams to come true, and having names on my mind is just part of that dream and that desire for them to become real. Back to my point. I've always wanted to encorporate "Pearl", in honor of my granny who was such an inspiration to be growing up. But if I honor one grandmother shouldn't I honor the second? Problem is, while one is "Lolita Pearl", the other is "Flora Byriad". My gran's name is a little dated. Perhaps "Flora" would be nicer than "Pearl". Or I'll pull a my mom and use them both (my brother's full name encorporates both my grandfathers). Or maybe I'll cancel them altogether. I don't know yet. And I've always loved the name "Alice" but it might be too direct to Alice In Wonderland. I don't know where "Ella Rose" came from. It's pretty, but it's not perfect.

I think I may finally be bleeding. Whew, what a relief.

Nope, nothing yet. Come on Mother Nature, quit toying with me!

Why does it feel like it's been such a long week? It's only Tuesday!

I have to buy cat food today. Ugh. That means I'll have to walk home with it too. Oh well. My hungry kitties will love me for it.

Ella Rose is haunting me. I can't stop thinking about her lovely little face.

I can't have a baby at 20! But I also can't have an abortion.

I'm obviously overreacting. It's not like we even did anything. Yikes! Can you say over-active imagination? That dream just shook me. And she stayed with me.

My coworker (head client advisor) actually wrote up a newsletter for me to read about my too-long, rambling appointment notes. Yeesh. I guess my poor quality, on-and-on writing style has carried over into work. Come on, receptionist brain! Let's get things a little better here.

Long entry today. A testiment to my rambling, run-on brain. And my senseless rambling. Delightful.

Met My Ghost

I've been listening to some new music lately - mostly selections Boyfriend has given me, and some free "Pick of the Week"'s from Starbucks. The title is from Jason Bajada's song, "The Sound Your Life Makes". Boyfriend and I have similar tastes in music, so that makes life really easy. And movies are a broad spectrum subject anyway, so it doesn't matter if we don't have the same taste. It's similar enough, so that's good too.

In other news, my cats are assholes as always, but as they approach nine months of age I've noticed they're starting to settle down into more adult behaviour. It's good to see them mature into cats, not kittens anymore.

I came home from work early today - it was totally dead. So that made today a little nicer. I did some tidying up so the house doesn't look like a sty anymore. Yahoo. Now that I have some relaxing time I'm listening to music and writing this calm blog post. Now Coldplay is on and I'm lost. I easily become trapped in the sounds they create with their music - there's a select few artists that this happens with. Rufus Wainwright, The Hush Sound, Coldplay, Ingrid Michaelson, Imogen Heap, and more recently, Foster the People. Those are the main ones, anyway. My faves. <3

I'm a fan of soundtracks, too. RENT, Sweeny Todd, Les Chansons d'Amour, Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog, Repo! The Genetic Opera...Love em.

"They say she works with the homeless and doesn't eat meat. We have a problem with her!" - So They Say from Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Yes, I'm adding things as I'm listening to them. What of it? I'm pretty sure I'm already ADD anyway. :P

I have a couple of trips coming up in the near future. My roommate and I will be taking a day trip down to Victoria one weekend so she can pop in at the convention going on. I plan to hide in a mall and spend more money than I'm supposed to. That will be fun, I'm sure - despite the friction between us now that Boyfriend has appeared in my life (by the way, did I mention he's meeting my mom this weekend? Delighted).

"Change your mind, mess around." - Got what you need by Young Rival

The second thing is the maybe-cancelled-but-we-hope-it'll-still-happen reptile show in Abbotsford in April. Boyfriend wants me to come with him, just the two of us. It would be simple to say yes, of course, if it wasn't the same weekend as my roommate and best friend's birthday. It's been discussed and she plans to go to Vancouver to see her grandma for her birthday anyway, so I have the clear to take a trip with Boyfriend. I think we're going to buy a snake :3 I desperately want one, and have ever since grade 9 when I babysat a beautiful albino pink and white cornsnake named Leroy for two weeks (and took care of him for the rest of the school year as I was an assistant for the teacher in one of my blocks). Boyfriend wants one too, and I think because of my cats and the fact that I can't keep a snake at my house, he's going to keep it at his with the rest of his reptiles and we'll co-own it. Or I'll purchase it and he'll house her for me. Yes, I want a female. Her name will be Stellaluna, and she'll be beautiful. I chose Stellaluna for a number of reasons - first, it's a lovely name. Second, it's the title of my favourite book when I was a kid. Third, the author of the book Stellaluna also wrote a second book (both with incredible artwork, as I recall) titled Verdi, about a green tree snake who didn't want to turn green (they're born yellow), for it meant he wouldn't want to slither around anymore. So there's a tie to the snake world. And because I want an albino, Luna meaning moon will tie in nicely too. So yeah. I want a white and yellow albino female so I can call her Stellaluna. Boyfriend disagrees, he likes the bright colored snakes. :P

Whatever. That's my update for today. Ramble ramble ramble.

Drama

Okay, so I was being a bit dramatic yesterday with my anger-filled post.

Yeesh, what a moron. There is not a truer phrase than the one "don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings". Aww yeah. I guess I could delete yesterday's post, but for some reason I feel it needs to be there.

Today more than made up for yesterday. We had a lazy Sunday morning breakfast (which was delicious), then wandered town making small purchases on things we didn't need. The boys now have an automatic water system and a catnip filled toy shaped like a heart. :)

Then there was much makeup fun, as we spent two hours playing with colors and eyeliners and whatnot. So yeah, pretty relaxing Sunday.

I don't really have anything else to say. I just wanted to post this one to apologize for the last one.

Rollercoaster Ride

This is awesome. Just when I start to relax into the idea of dating someone, my roommate becomes the most snobby, uncouth, indecent person I've had the mispleasure of spending time with. Who know women could be so goddamn spiteful?

We had the most outrageous arguement the other night which lead to mental breakdown (which I am not allowed to tell anyone the details of, but believe me it was a doozy) on my part. We have been hostile and fragile ever since, and just last night my new boyfriend came over to spend the night (no, nothing happened; what do you take me for?). I had already ok'd this with my roommate (as it's her parents' house we're living in), who said it was fine. We watched a movie than set up some cushions on the floor to sleep on. There was cuddling and kissing, but that's it, and despite being quiet and respectful of the other people in the household, my roommate still had the nerve to attack me for it the next day. Excuse me for wanting to see someone I've come to like quite a bit. She stated rather blatantly, "He can't come over every weekend." I said why not? And her reply was, "It's not fair to my parents, and it's not fair to me."

Oh, really? I pay my rent, I have been employed this whole time (she took two months off working for a "mental health break" and only got hired again because her dad pulled some strings at his work), and have always gone out of my way not to be in anyone else's way. I won't even go upstairs, due to this chronic fear I have of not belonging and not deserving to be around. So I stay in my basement, in my corner, since I don't have any of my own space (or even my own bed) and keep quiet about everything that's inevitablly going on around me. But it's "not fair" for me to have someone over once a week because I like spending time with him? Excuse me for intruding. Shouldn't I have some say in who I spend my time with and who I date? Shouldn't I have some say when I pay my rent on time every two weeks from my paycheck, I have never caused any problems, and I'm a quiet person who rarely shows her face to anyone else who lives in this house? God, this is toxic.

As a result, I have decided as soon as the right place comes along and I'm sure I can afford it, I'm moving away. I don't care if I have to take a bus home or if I'm scared all night long being away from her. I'm taking my cat and I'm leaving this putrid house. Honestly, I don't see how I did anything wrong by inviting one person over to spend the night once a week. I made sure the TV was low enough that it didn't bother anyone upstairs, and if anything DOES happen in the future I would never allow it to become so obvious and so loud that anyone would notice. I'm a little better than that, can I please have a tiny bit of credit? I don't need to be treated like a child that should be punished. It's not like I was out of line. I mean, come on. I'm 20. Give me a break.

Evidently, that's not the way she sees it.

So, things are very bitter right now. All I want to do is curl up in a dark corner, listening to Pomplamoose and cry. How classic girl is that? God I'm such a waste of space.

Complain, complain, complain.

Whoop de do, whoop de do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDGFrP4NgI&list=PL104D09B04DE383E9&index=2&feature=plpp_video

All the Pomplamoose.

Anyway.

Picture roll, since I'm too sleep deprived to write anything with substance (not entirely true, since technically I have gotten almost eight hours of sleep, but since I cried myself to it, it wasn't exactly good quality).

First up, cats. Because I'm a crazy cat lady.

Phoenix's second adventure outside into the snow. He doesn't look impressed, but for some reason all the pictures of his face look this way. He really did have fun. Really.

Nuubie looks like a demon in this picture. But he had fun too.

More kitty cat. Believe me, they're the best models. They're actually going to be in a photoshoot this Sunday (it's thought stupid, but I think it's great).

Again, Nuubie always looks terrified in pictures...his eyes never stop being so wide, except when he's sleeping. XD

Yesterday morning, snow was falling outside and these small birds were flying in circles outside the window. The boys were mystified, and I managed to get this photo of them staring out at the activity. :)

Okay, since I don't want to post anything besides my cats (remember, I'm crazy) I'm going to go eat some granola before work. I love late mornings!

A Compilation of Many Days

*Tuesday*

Today I opened the clinic (and will do so for the rest of the week as well). It's 8:00 and I'm still trying to wake up. There are a few bonuses to the early shift - the clinic is quiet, I go home at 4:30, and no one in my house is awake when I go upstairs to make my tea. There's nothing more awkward than being in the kitchen with my roommate's dad when we both require one specific corner of it. Okay, I'm exaggerating. My point is, it's easier when I am up there either too early for anyone else to be up, or too late so no one else needs the kitchen. Maybe this chronic shyness should be classified as a medical condition. Sigh. Anyway, a couple items of big news.

First - after two months of unemployment, my roommate now has a full time, well paying job at her dad's work cleaning boats. She'll actually be getting more hours than me, and will start at $12/hour, so she'll be making more money than me. Again. Luckily, since I bought groceries almost exclusively for the past two months, she will be buying groceries almost exclusively for the next two months. So on the next 3 to 4 paychecks, I don't have to budget for groceries! I'm pretty excited to have some disposable income. Maybe I'll save it all for an iphone...or a trip. Or I'll spend it on some pretty clothes, nice jeans, a new jacket. I've fallen back in love with clothes.

Second, I'm 20 (I know I already did a birthday post, but I have to do more recap. I just have to). Yup, my birthday came and went in a flurry of cake, food, presents and drunken movie-watching. The best things included a framed picture of Phoenix, a tiger-print fuzzy blanket, Tangled, and a menagerie or rainbow things. It was a pretty fun birthday. I had dinner, cake and presents with my family on Friday, as well as cake at work. Saturday we cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, bought alcohol, and friends came over. It was a great night filled with over-eating, drinking, movie-watching, talking, and Twister. Pretty great weekend. Of course due to not sleeping enough, I felt like shit on Sunday and Monday, and still not too great today. I don't do walking up early very well.

Alright! Third order of business. I have a crush. Yeah, I know my previous relationship ended in August, so it's only been like, five months or so. But for some reason I've been pulled blindly towards him. My roommate and antoher one of my best friends know. My friend told me that he likes someone "in the group". I don't dare entertain the thought that it might be me, regardless of the fact that I snuggle the blanket he gave me every night. I am so blocked by my fear of rejection that I would rather let myself believe it was not me than risk getting hurt. I mean come on, it's a crush, right? It'll go away, right? I'm not the type of person to really act on feelings anyway. My roommate thinks it'll be good for me to spend time with someone else. But I'm not so sure. I mean, I love her. I'm not in love with her, but I still need her in every aspect of my life. Yup, I'm a clingy sap. But I can't help it. My wall is up pretty high. If he really does like me, he's going to have a hard time breaking it down. I haven't had a crush in almost four years. It's insane to feel these almost juvenile butterflies in my stomach whenever he's around. God, I'm such a lame romantic.

I'm so freaking tired. I wish I could sleep in every morning like my roommate.

Payday next week is going to be a bit bigger check. Yay for more money.

I can't seem to keep a cohesive thought in my head.

*Wednesday*

Today I was more awake for work but only had 20 minutes to get ready and didn't have a tea. As a result, I'm hitting a downhill slope now. I have mango juice and the sugar in that is helping. Three euths today - lots of tears.

*Thursday*

I am so tired today I feel sick. My key didn't work in the staff door and I had to go in the grooming door, which set off the alarm.

*Friday*

I have had headache since yesterday afternoon that has yet to disappear. The SPCA kitten is lonely and it won't stop meowing. He scratched me yesterday in his hysteria. I want to bring him behind the desk with me but I don't want to get in trouble for it. What an odd set of days. I am so excited for today to turn into tonight so I can go home and relax for a bit. Complain, complain, complain.

***

Okay, so that's my week, as written in carefully hidden notes in my notebook behind the desk. Right now I'm actually technically into Saturday (as it's 12:16), and so much has happened. I spent the past 6 hours, more or less, texting my crush. Near the end of Friday night (more like, an hour ago) things actually started getting into the romantic side. He'd already confessed that he finds me attractive (which blew my MIND), and said he wanted to ask me something. I said sure. He said he'd confessed that he found me attractive and liked me and wanted to know what I thought of him. Being extra much brave, I told him I'd had a crush on him for some time. His reply was "wow, you sure hide it well". I confessed that I hide many feelings because I was afraid that he'd find it weird that as friends, I liked him. Apparently, he was scared of the same thing. He ended with the statement that he'll come over tomorrow and we can talk, and also that I made his night. I replied that he'd made my night too. I spent the next hour or so in a complete butterfly state of happiness and unexpected joy. What an amazing thing.

Now, however, I'm going to try to calm myself and sleep a lot. Then prepare for tomorrow. Gosh, I never want to forget how this feels.

Oh snap, I'm 20

Yup. I am no longer a teenager. Oh yes. Welcome, adulthood.

I spent the day stressing out at work trying to fit everything in, and taking care of an emergency which shit blood all over the floor just after I'd finished mopping. So I cleaned it up and mopped again. SIGH. I hate it when dogs are sick, especially when it makes a mess. That sounds terrible. But you know what I mean.

After work, I went to the bank, took out my money for rent and gas for my roommate's car, and then went out to dinner with my family. It was pretty nice, but since it's Friday night it was really busy. I had a rather delicious prawn/shrimp/scallop dish with fettucinne and white wine sauce, followed by cake at my mom's house and a light gathering of presents. The top ones were a beautiful framed picture of my kitty cat from my roommate (which was so lovely after a stressful day it almost moved me to tears I was so happy), Tangled on blu-ray and DVD (which I have been lusting after since the movie came out, but could never justify spending the $30 they're STILL asking for it) a group of rainbow-themed things from my sister (which are adorable and prideful), and three yellow sweet-smelling roses. I am currently sipping vodka and coca cola out of a black cup that has the rainbow emblazoned message, "I'm so gay I can't even think straight". It's hilarious. Anyway, it's my birthday, and I think I'm gonna keep drinking. Why not?

Experience and Resolutions

Since it's just a few days until New Year's, I decided I'd start with my very complicated and personal blog entry about my obvious faults and how I intend to fix them. Of course, I doubt if I'll follow through, but I'll get to that part later in the post.

I'll be honest, the year kind of crept up on me. I look back on these months and wonder where the time all went. Well, I'll tell you where it went. It went to stress, procrastination, walking dogs, biting my tongue, and shifting most of my prespectives. Anyway, now to the nitty gritty stuff. Where to start.

Addresses: This year my address of residence changed three times. From my parent's house, to an apartment (which in hindsight was good experience-wise, but was not the best idea in the world), then to my roommate's parent's house. I wish I could afford to live in an apartment with just me, but at the same time I learned recently that being alone is destructive for me.

Jobs: My jobs shifted between three areas of the same building this year. In August it was announced that we would be closing the boarding area where I'd worked for almost a year. We spent a lot of time cancelling reservations and sending out newsletters to our loyal clients. It was very depressing. So for the month of September, I started packing for our second move that year, while simultaneously saying goodbye to the job I'd coveted for a better part of a year. It was a very painful and stressful part of my life.
***
Okay, hello 2012. I managed to neglect posting this for many days and now I'm finally finishing it. Where was I?
I've covered jobs, and my experience moving from place to place.
Relationships: I experienced the biggest change of my life this summer, near the end of August. My long-standing relationship came to a confused and bitter end after over three years of happy dating. Well, it's not exactly your conventional breakup. We're each other's best friends, and we still live together, so it's not the easiest thing in the world to know you aren't "together" anymore, but you have to see each other every day. I was then swept up into an online excursion with someone I've known for a while, but have never met in person. I've covered a lot of that in earlier blog posts, so I'm not going to gab on about it more here. Now, coming to the end of the year, I have a mad crush on one of my friends (that my roommate has already expressed interest in, so I'm keeping quiet), and have had a texting conversation with a boy that lives on my sister's dorm floor at school who seems interested in me (though he hasn't said anything since last night, which technically was this morning, as it was after midnight). I really don't know where that's going. But I, as usual, have no inspiration at all to persue anything. And little to no self esteem to boot.
Overall Mental and Physical Health: Okay, I managed to gain weight this year. Between the stress of moving and over-indulgence with the holidays and living with two 21 year old guys, I put on more than I expected. This is yet another reason why I've been stressed and depressed this year. I've been very up and down with depression as well. Sometimes the bouts become so dreadful that I find I am sore all over and do not wish to move for anything. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I ended the year overweight and on and off depressed.
Friendships/Social Interaction: Through my fabulous job, I've made some new friends and found that I work best with cheerful people. I love having conversations with my coworkers in the quiet moments, and whenever I need help there's always someone I can ask. On the other hand, I rarely see my actual friends. When we were living in the apartment it was easier to meet up since my work schedule was a bit different - I often didn't start work till noon so people could come over any night and stay if they wanted. Now I start, on average, at 9 am. On Mondays I start at 8, and alternate early/late weeks with my coworker. One week, one of us is 9-5:30 Tuesday-Friday and the other is 11-5:30 Tuesday-Friday. The next week we switch. So now it's harder for me to just say "hey, come on over, any day is fine." I don't sleep very well, so I try to get to bed at a reasonable hour, and if people come over I'll never sleep.
OKAY. Now that I've covered that stuff, I'm going to cover resolutions. Hold on to your hats, people.
Addresses: This year, I'm staying put until I'm settled perfectly. That's the plan.
Jobs: There really isn't anything I can say here. It wasn't my fault that my first job fell through, and I got incredibly lucky that everything lined up so perfectly, allowing me to fall into the job I have now. I guess all I can say is I'm going to be the best employee I can be. :)
Relationships: I'm going to let what will be, be. Who knows what could happen when you let it.
Mental Health: If this depression persists, I resolve to see a doctor within the year. Anti-depressants scare me, but I think if it'll help me feel better and enjoy the life I've crafted for myself, I'll be willing to give myself a shot.
Physical Health: I have resolved to lose weight this year. I don't know how yet. I think I'll have to try a couple different tactics. Right now I'm working slowly on a Just Dance and walking routine (I usually walk to and from work). I'm also trying to buy groceries that are relatively healthy, while still giving myself easy meal options. Considering I'm super lazy, and I never cook since the kitchen is upstairs, I need things that don't require a lot of preperation. Right now I'm having soup with melba toast, or crackers and laughing cow cheese for my lunches on a daily basis at work. Of course I also bring a tea each morning in my mug, and usually a can of juice and a granola bar. The dinners change, sometimes I actually have something structured like cheese tortellinni with tomato cream sauce (rose), and sometimes it's just snacking like tortilla chips and hummus. I'm also working on a partially vegetarian diet, with the exception of chicken, turkey and fish.
Friends: I hope I'll be able to spend more time with my group in this coming year. Some people go to school, some live a little ways out of my town, but I hope we'll be able to get together more than a handful of times per year.
Okay, there we go! That's all my "experiences and resolutions" for this coming year. I would add more about the goings-on of this weekend, but I'm bored of writing this now, and I need something to say tomorrow.