I have a cat on my lap

It's true, I do. And he keeps trying to groom my arm. However, it's very cute, and I'll allow it. :)

Soon, I will be recieving my beautiful baby corn snake, who I have named Stellaluna (luna, stella, or lulu for short). She's a snow morph, which means she looks just like an albino, which is what I wanted in the first place. She's possibly the cutest faced snake I've ever seen.

***

After a day out, I am finally going to try and finish this entry.

Anyway, my little Lulu will be joining our family on Monday evening. I went out today with my best friend and we purchased Lulu's new home, as well as a heating pad for the bottom, to keep her temperature regulated. So I am very, very excited to meet her, and give her the best life I can. Following Uylsses death, I've decided not to get another betta fish until I am settled with Stellaluna, no matter how much I want another one to go on top of my dresser. Right now I'm going to save up for a lovely stand for Stellaluna's tank. For the moment she's going to be staying in the ledge in my closet (that comes up because of the stairwell). It's the best I can do right away, since her setup, not including how much I spent on her, and her mice, was almost $250. If I add in the cost for her mice and herself, it'd go up to almost $400. She's worth it, I just don't have anything else left over for a stand for her tank.

Besides that, on Saturday I worked my first full day in the back of the vet, or "treatment" room, where the doctors and technicians spend most of their time. It was both interesting and eye-opening. My coworker was so helpful and always answered all my questions. She has been my saving grace a couple times now, considering I nipped a kitty's foot pad while trimming his nails and she took the fall; when I fainted she took care of me; when I almost got bit by a kitty who was in pain (I didn't know when I lifted her). Long story short, she helps me out, and I'm grateful. It was fun, but not something I'd want to do absolutely every day. It's okay once in a while though. At least now I know how to draw vaccines, hold animals appropriately, clean surgical equipment, etc.  So when the doctor's need an extra hand I can do more things. I have yet to learn how to draw blood or place a catheter or set up IV fluids, but maybe I'll learn those things next week! We'll see.

Now I have two kitties on me! Both curled up and sleeping. Phoenix has taken to sleeping on my feet. <3

I've been walking to work lately, and despite how my legs tend to ache afterwards, I feel good about it. It takes me about 45 minutes to get there, so it's a decent walk. It's better than biking, in my opinion, and gives me a chance to be alone with my music each day. It sounds silly, but sometimes I miss just walking around, listening to music, without really anything else to think about. It's like zoning out. The walking does tire me out to an extent, but otherwise it's a good thing and I want to keep doing it. As the weather improves, so will my fitness level and overall mood (so I hope).

I think that's it for this one. If there was ever a song to describe how things are right now, it would be "Bliss" by Muse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5CbhCSnv38



Another little something

Yesterday I euthanized my beloved betta fish Ulysses with many tears and a few drops of supposedly humane clove oil. I cried when I discovered the disease he had was incurable. I cried the next day when I knew he wasn't going to make it. I cried when I watched his gills slowly stop moving as he fell into a deep sleep which, within 60 seconds, stopped his heart. Do fish have hearts? I don't know, but I like to think that that's what happened. My best friend assisted me in purchasing the necessary oil, as well as a white chrysanthemum (I don't know how to spell that, obviously...) in memory. I then sanitized all his equipment as a bitter goodbye to the fish I loved for over a year. It sounds silly to cry over a fish, but as an animal lover I couldn't stand to see him suffer. Thankfully he's not in pain anymore. RIP my Uylsses.

In Other News...

I am seriously considering going to the doctor for anti-depressants or some kind of medication to treat manic-depressive disorder. Last night my body, and mind, reacted in a way I've never felt before. Boyfriend was over, which was fine, I never pass up a chance to see him (I believe I am progressing). Following Memoirs of a Geisha, we went to sleep where we had a deep discussion, the nuances of which I won't go into. However, I ended up having something of a mental breakdown when I realized that while I do admit I love him, I can't seem to get my mouth to form the words. It's something I'm struggling against and I don't understand why it's so difficult. How hard can it be to utter three small words? Possibly it's because they do mean so much.

So, feeling the way I do today, I am relaxing on some cushions while the laundry runs it's cycle, watching Bones, drinking tea, and slowly dismembering a chocolate bunny. I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for the rodent I am consuming. Poor little guy, if he wasn't made of chocolate I surely would not be picking away at him with the "classic girl" mixture of pleasure and guilt.

Have you ever wanted something

so badly that it hurt just to think of it? Have you ever yearned so strongly for something that just wasn't going to happen?

My subconcious clearly has some interesting ideas about what I should be doing with my life. Rather than sitting on a pile of cushions in the corner of a new townhouse with a computer on my lap, my mind wanders and thinks about how things would be if there was something else sitting here with me, something that I would be carrying carefully, something sacred, something unbelievably special.

We just moved, and instead of unpacking boxes, cooking, and cleaning, I am sitting in the corner under the window on the floor, on the "couch"...which is in reality just a bunch of couch cushions on the floor, since the main part of the thing is still at the other place. The cats are happy, I am ecstatic to have my own kitchen and the freedom that comes with my own place. Still I can't help but be lazy here on this Tuesday afternoon, biding my time until my roommate gets home, because then I'll face the wrath of "you didn't do ANYTHING today? you had the day off!" and "you could have done a load of laundry" or "you could have at least unpacked one box" or "you didn't even unload the dishwasher?". To be honest when she gets home I don't have a good defence. I spent the morning in bed after an...interesting...night, and the following couple of hours out with my boyfriend, then came home, sat down, and haven't gotten up for anything other than refilling my tea mug and checking on the cats to make sure they are indeed still in the building (Anubis snuck out the other day and ended up on the roof).

Anyway, I don't know what's going on with my body lately but it's begun to crave pregnancy again. It's not like I'm anywhere near ready for a child, I work a day job that -just- pays the bills, I just moved, I'm exhausted already, and I can't imagine caring for a tiny creature that requires me to do everything for it.

All that aside, I desperately want it to happen. I want the pains, I want the stress, I want the knowledge of having something to take care of. I want the feeling of worth. For once I want to mean something to someone; I want to be someone's everything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure people care, but I want to feel that incredible undying affection that comes with the connection between a new mother and her baby.

It sounds stupid, I know. I'm 20 and just barely out of the gate into adulthood, and already I'm waiting to jump ahead another 5-10 years into motherhood? Is she nuts?

Well, folks, I've always been a bit off the deep end, right? My loving boyfriend is the only thing holding me back, I think. He's not about to get anywhere near pregnancy, LOL. In fact I had a dream last night where it happened, and he ran. Turned tail.

Something in me feels bad about not confessing these things to him. That and other things (like how after a night with him I ache something terrible, and am worried that there's something dangerously wrong with me that I can't seem to get the words "I love you" out of my mouth when he says them). Is it bad that other people can see love, other people can tell when they are in love, and I can't? I don't know if I'm in love with him. I know the way I feel when he's around, I know the way I feel when I see him walking up to me or when he turns up unexpectedly. I know my coworkers question me about him and apparently I always turn red. I don't know if that's juvenile or not.

So I watch my shitty "romantic comedy" movies and yearn for that picture-perfect "honey I'm pregnant" or the moment when that character leans back in the hospital bed and the nurse hands her the newborn. Will it ever happen? Could I ever be stupid enough to get knocked up? Yes. I could be stupid. He, however, will never be that way.

I wonder if we'll spend the rest of our lives together. He seems to think so, at least that's the vibe I get. It's only been 3 months and I don't see it ending anytime soon. If it did I'd probably be crushed.

I want to start playing piano again.

I want a little keyboard to test out my old skills and see if I can remember the old patterns that were drilled into my head for 10 years.

 This one is all over the place. For that I apologize, but that's what my brain is like right now. Alright, now that my mind is fried I'll do some pictures.

"All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer...I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more." -Christina Perri

Bright picture of some rocks at the beach. This is why I love Campbell River - I can usually be close to the ocean. This particular stretch is right across from the vet clinic where I work.

Just a "I'm at the beach" smile in the evening sun. This is about 7:30, when the sun has just started to dip down.

H and I on a bench...lovely shadow pic. He kept trying to photobomb this, but I got one. :)

Our new kitchen!! :D

View of most of the downstairs, from the window facing in.

A little nuubie on my new bedroom windowsill.

STAIRS. And a Pheeny.

And of course, myself and my Pheeny-bee, in our new home. :)

Alright, that's all for my sparse thought-collection today. Maybe I'll post more about the experiences of moving, working, and learning to love tomorrow. If I get bored and manic-depressive again tomorrow, that is. Who knows...



Time is Short

In just a week, we will be doing the inspection and last payments on our new townhouse we'll be renting for the next year. Following that day we are free to start moving things in - horray! I'm excited but now the stress of moving (despite it being only a ten minute drive from where we live now) has begun to get to me. My roommate and I are doing our best to pack gradually, well, and keep the house tidy in the process. It's working well so far, and we're intercepting packing with welcome breaks in the form of regular work days, as well as occaisional nights out. For example, we went and saw the Hunger Games last night, and it was better than I expected. Surprisingly so. It actually made me cry at the moment where the 12 year old girl "Rue" died...and her father threw a riot in his district in grief. We both sobbed for the 20 minute segment in which Katniss covered Rue with flowers in memorium, and Rue's father destroyed stages and lights in anger and sorrow. Goodness was it ever sad....I haven't cried that much in a movie since The Notebook.

In other news, this past Saturday I went on a double date with my boyfriend, one of my friends, and her boyfriend. It was actually a lot of fun....my boyfriend and I went out to dinner first (which he didn't allow me to pay anything towards), then to Tim Horton's to meet up with the other couple. We spent a good hour and a half there chatting and drinking coffee etc, catching up, and then popped down to see John Carter, which was another movie that was surprisingly good. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it as much as I did, and it's a perfect example of the type of movie 3D is suited for - action. It actually makes the movie better, rather than an older movie transfered into 3D which just makes the art look fake and animated (Beauty and the Beast is an example). Despite my views on older movies put into 3D, my roommate and I are determined to see Titanic in 3D this coming Thursday. We must see it. It's part of our childhood, and one of my favourite movies. Time to cry in a theatre, take two.

On another note, guess what finally reared its ugly head after a three month hiatus. That's right. I'm back to being a normal female. Heh. Because of that little present, I've been overly emotional, and that's probably why I cried for 20 minutes watching THG, and probably why I'm feeling so sickly and irritable lately. Luckily this female demon goes away within a week, and I'm halfway through. I'm hoping it'll stay away for the weekend, I could use some stress relief, if you know what I mean. xD

So, that's life right now. I gotta get back to cleaning, packing, and spraying lemon water at my cats as they've become bigger assholes lately.