Have you ever wanted something

so badly that it hurt just to think of it? Have you ever yearned so strongly for something that just wasn't going to happen?

My subconcious clearly has some interesting ideas about what I should be doing with my life. Rather than sitting on a pile of cushions in the corner of a new townhouse with a computer on my lap, my mind wanders and thinks about how things would be if there was something else sitting here with me, something that I would be carrying carefully, something sacred, something unbelievably special.

We just moved, and instead of unpacking boxes, cooking, and cleaning, I am sitting in the corner under the window on the floor, on the "couch"...which is in reality just a bunch of couch cushions on the floor, since the main part of the thing is still at the other place. The cats are happy, I am ecstatic to have my own kitchen and the freedom that comes with my own place. Still I can't help but be lazy here on this Tuesday afternoon, biding my time until my roommate gets home, because then I'll face the wrath of "you didn't do ANYTHING today? you had the day off!" and "you could have done a load of laundry" or "you could have at least unpacked one box" or "you didn't even unload the dishwasher?". To be honest when she gets home I don't have a good defence. I spent the morning in bed after an...interesting...night, and the following couple of hours out with my boyfriend, then came home, sat down, and haven't gotten up for anything other than refilling my tea mug and checking on the cats to make sure they are indeed still in the building (Anubis snuck out the other day and ended up on the roof).

Anyway, I don't know what's going on with my body lately but it's begun to crave pregnancy again. It's not like I'm anywhere near ready for a child, I work a day job that -just- pays the bills, I just moved, I'm exhausted already, and I can't imagine caring for a tiny creature that requires me to do everything for it.

All that aside, I desperately want it to happen. I want the pains, I want the stress, I want the knowledge of having something to take care of. I want the feeling of worth. For once I want to mean something to someone; I want to be someone's everything.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure people care, but I want to feel that incredible undying affection that comes with the connection between a new mother and her baby.

It sounds stupid, I know. I'm 20 and just barely out of the gate into adulthood, and already I'm waiting to jump ahead another 5-10 years into motherhood? Is she nuts?

Well, folks, I've always been a bit off the deep end, right? My loving boyfriend is the only thing holding me back, I think. He's not about to get anywhere near pregnancy, LOL. In fact I had a dream last night where it happened, and he ran. Turned tail.

Something in me feels bad about not confessing these things to him. That and other things (like how after a night with him I ache something terrible, and am worried that there's something dangerously wrong with me that I can't seem to get the words "I love you" out of my mouth when he says them). Is it bad that other people can see love, other people can tell when they are in love, and I can't? I don't know if I'm in love with him. I know the way I feel when he's around, I know the way I feel when I see him walking up to me or when he turns up unexpectedly. I know my coworkers question me about him and apparently I always turn red. I don't know if that's juvenile or not.

So I watch my shitty "romantic comedy" movies and yearn for that picture-perfect "honey I'm pregnant" or the moment when that character leans back in the hospital bed and the nurse hands her the newborn. Will it ever happen? Could I ever be stupid enough to get knocked up? Yes. I could be stupid. He, however, will never be that way.

I wonder if we'll spend the rest of our lives together. He seems to think so, at least that's the vibe I get. It's only been 3 months and I don't see it ending anytime soon. If it did I'd probably be crushed.

I want to start playing piano again.

I want a little keyboard to test out my old skills and see if I can remember the old patterns that were drilled into my head for 10 years.

 This one is all over the place. For that I apologize, but that's what my brain is like right now. Alright, now that my mind is fried I'll do some pictures.

"All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer...I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more." -Christina Perri

Bright picture of some rocks at the beach. This is why I love Campbell River - I can usually be close to the ocean. This particular stretch is right across from the vet clinic where I work.

Just a "I'm at the beach" smile in the evening sun. This is about 7:30, when the sun has just started to dip down.

H and I on a bench...lovely shadow pic. He kept trying to photobomb this, but I got one. :)

Our new kitchen!! :D

View of most of the downstairs, from the window facing in.

A little nuubie on my new bedroom windowsill.

STAIRS. And a Pheeny.

And of course, myself and my Pheeny-bee, in our new home. :)

Alright, that's all for my sparse thought-collection today. Maybe I'll post more about the experiences of moving, working, and learning to love tomorrow. If I get bored and manic-depressive again tomorrow, that is. Who knows...