In Between

I am finding this day-to-day living rather exhausting and exasperating.

I don't really want to go into details, it's getting to a point where I keep repeating myself, and it's annoying me.

Long story short, got some blood tests done, nothing was definitive, I have to try again in a month. Sigh. At least it wasn't the P-word.

And now, pictures.

I don't know if I've posted these yet and I'm too lazy to check. Kitties playing outside!

And Pheeny face- and my feet!

Phoenix meets a strange cat around the corner. She didn't seem to mind his presence, but I still didn't let him get too close. As soon as he took another step, she bolted in the other direction.

Lovely cloud formation on the way to work one morning.

Sad Panda.

Cutest pheeny ever, squinting in the sun.



So, that happened .

So you think im alone, but being alones the only way to be, you step outside, you spin like fire...

There was a breakup involved, I think .

You want to be free, the ground's the only place to be, cause in this life, you spend time running from the gravity.

This is a cold war, you better know what you're fighting for.

This shit is serious because both my cats are sleeping on me, I am laying with a fuzzy blanket on the couch with no intent to get up (besides to rescue my computer cord from upstairs so my laptop didn't die) and I am listening to my new breakup/crying/#lolsadness playlist. Shit just got REAL.

However I have not yet changed my facebook status to single, it's just complicated atm.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, don't you cry when they say goodbye?

Other than that I got brave and made a dr appt for Monday. I don't know if I should be scared.

Sunny days, where have you gone? I get the strangest feeling you belong. Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was 17? Why does it always rain on me? Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning.

I feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I wasn't happy, and I can't explain why, but I wasn't. How can someone who's unhappy make someone else happy? And no matter how many times I tried to explain, he just didn't GET IT. I mean...I don't want to call him dense or anything but it's like he just either didn't give a shit, or just didn't realize how grave my situation was becoming.

I have a history with depression, and it;s become increasingly bad in the past few weeks. Depression causes a lack of interest in many things that were once of interest. Relationships flounder. Days blend into one another. Simple tasks seem difficult and getting up in the morning becomes a challenge. It happens, but my main point for all this was the fact that he never truly understood the gravity of what was happening.

But, enough of that ramble, I'm going to go listen to some music and probably cry a little. Why do girls date boys? Why do women become depressed? It doesn't lead anywhere. I'll contemplate these things later.

Music lyrics quoted: Janelle Monae's "Cold War"

Rufus Wainwright's "Why does it always rain on me"

A(nother) New Look

Once again, I have shaken up the look of this page. Probably because I am fickle. I like to keep things interesting (because this blog is soooo well read). I was considering changing the title too but I've already done that a couple of times, so maybe I'll leave it for now.

I have become completely enthralled by the TV show MadMen...as Cora of VintageorTacky would say, it's a "feast for the eyes" of 60's drama, fashion, makeup, etc. I'm almost finished the second season and the character development is spectacular! I'd have to say my favourite character is Betty Draper...though Joan Holloway is a close second. Betty's just so...relateable. She's a housewife to Donald Draper, ad exec, and has two young children (Sally and Bobby). There's just something about her that I like. Maybe it's because she's so dynamic - one moment she can be heavily depressed and the other she can be seductive and sneaky. If I were to choose a least favourite character I'd have to go with Peter Campbell...he can be so snobby and douche-baggy. And, sadly, Peggy Olson strikes me as a goody-goody and the best part of this show is the scandal. Peggy is kind and decent, but something about her is just too...safe. Ironically, Peggy and Peter have had this love affair thing going on since the first episode. Peter got married to another woman (Trudy) but on the night of his bachelor party, he went to Peggy. There was the issue with Peggy's surprise pregnancy too, however, I don't want to ramble too much about the nuances of this show, just in case anyone who reads this or stumbles across it, hasn't seen it yet, and wants to.

Anyway, I've been getting more and more into makeup and nail polish. What a girl I have become! I love watching tutorials on youtube (and while I rarely try to recreate these looks, they give me some inspiration to try my hand at creating my own) and when one of my favourite "gurus" has a positive review of a product that I have and that I love, I feel this glow of inclusion. It sounds foolish, but if I like a product, and this person who is watched and revered by so many likes the same thing, I feel so good about that. That sentence probably didn't make any sense, but that's okay too.

I'm planning on making pancakes for dinner tonight with berry compote and maybe I'll feel like taking pictures and posting them in a picture roll on my blog for the internet to peruse at its leisure. But for now, I'm going to drink a potful of Earl Grey tea and keep watching MadMen. 

Wildflower

I need more joy. I need more happiness. I need something to make me see that this world isn't all cloud and rain.
In this life there are two determining factors. Will you live or will you die? Will you rise to the surface or will you allow yourself to sink like a stone to the bottom of the lake, rest in the silt below the happy kicking feet of children swimming in the summer? There are, at times, moments when we want to do both, or either one. There are days when we feel on top of the world, others when we're so downtrodden that it feels like the very boots of humanity are pressing us down into the dirt. It's all we can do just to pull ourselves back up again and begin another day.
What I'm trying to say here is that in my adventures in depression I have felt things I never expected, and being so completely confused and in dismay, I don't know what I'm going to do next.

Canada Day and other random stuff

Picture roll. Please don't hate me.

Making perogies for dinner the other night. They have to be boiled, then fried.

Need olive oil for frying, and then I put basil pesto on them for flavoring. A good alternative for bacon/onions, and my roommate, who isn't going vegetarian, doesn't mind the change. In fact, it was her idea.

Sad little lump of perogy. I sadly got wrapped up in my cooking and never took pictures of the finished product, but there was enough for both of us for dinner, and both of us for lunches the next day.

This is the view on Canada Day in Campbell River. Everyone camps out at the Foreshore park downtown for most of the day, anticipating the fireworks that would take place around 10:30 that night. You had to stay all day just to get a good seat! I swear, if anyone wanted to take out the entire population of Campbell River in one go, just wait for Canada Day.

Me in the car on Canada Day, feeling rather patriotic. We went shopping that morning and bought new white and red clothing. Quite fun. The day was spent with our friends, so as usual, Canada Day is a big deal for us. It's generally the catch up day after everyone comes back from university, or just being away.

That's all I've got right now. I am enjoying sleepy kitty Tuesday (my cat has slept next to me almost all day), the third day of my three day weekend. It was much needed!

Playing Catch-Up

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog.

Here's a couple different things that have been going on for you guys - that's if anyone reads this, of course. :)

Vegetarianism is treating me well; I don't miss meat, however it does make things a little more challenging when I try to grab something to eat quickly. But it's helping me make more health concious decisions. It's been almost a month now and I feel better for it, I think. I haven't really noticed a huge difference but I think I'm losing weight slowly. I still eat junk food like it's going out of style, so I'm trying to work on that too, but too many things at once can crowd me and make me shut down. Right now I just want to focus on making better choices, working, and my relationships with my boyfriend, friends, and family.

Work hasn't really changed much. I'm learning more working in the back on Saturdays, and by the end of the summer my technician coworker who does Saturdays with me wants to have me actually taking blood, placing IV catheters, setting up surgery, etc. It's pretty scary, but considering I already know how to clean surgery, set up and help take x-rays, set up IV fluids, clean surgical tools, handle various animals, and remove catheters, I think it'll be a smooth transition. She's a great teacher too, so that's good. Just this past Saturday I learned all the names for the surgical tools (the dr that was working that day helped me out a good bit too, as it was pretty quiet).

Last weekend my roommate and I took a spur-of-the-moment road trip to Nanaimo for shopping. We stayed at a hotel that made us feel like we were in a ritzy neighbourhood...she had to parellel park between a Lincoln SUV and a BMW. It was scary. But the hotel itself was lovely, it was only $130 ish, and it was a nice room. Totally worth it. We spent the Sunday in the mall and wandering around purchasing various things, the best of which was the next 2 seasons of Six Feet Under, which to my dismay Netflix did not have. But honestly I'm fine with owning it, it's a great show, so it makes me happy to purchase it, I feel like it deserves to be bought. Eventually I'll buy the last 2 seasons, and then probably start buying How I Met Your Mother or The Big Bang Theory. Boyfriend hasn't seen TBBT so it'd be a good introduction to a show I find absolutely hysterical. :)

Here's a couple of pictures from our trip.

Me and a tree. I like trees.

Sitting like a hippie in the grass. <3

Well yes, other than that, there was Canada Day yesterday. :)

We spent most of the day downtown with our friends, meeting up here and there, trying to get everyone together. We had dinner at a sushi place, and I was delighted to find a couple delicious vegetarian rolls, and my friend made me a couple "special" ones from her remnants. Then we explored all the goodness that is Canada Day, market stalls, mini doughnuts, kettle korn, walking along the water, snuggling on the rocks watching the fireworks. Then everyone came over to our house where we played an amusing game of apples to apples and got slightly drunk. Pretty fun. :)

I have some pictures but they're still on the memory card, and being the lazy turkey I am, I don't want to bother uploading them, then deleting what I don't want, then editing, etc. PS the above pictures are unedited.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say about that.

Other things are kind of up and down at the moment, but nothing I dare say on the internet. Sorry! :)