(Almost) Teenage Angst

I'm stuck.

I wonder why I can't seem to figure out what to do with my life. Some days I feel the initiative to sign up for some online English course (as writing is  my true passion), sometimes it's photography, sometimes I want to look back at my "work" and sob for how painfully pathetic it all is. Sometimes I think I'm good - most of the time, though, I look at what other people put out, and I feel so unimportant, insignificant, unseen. I wish I could be confidently proud of something. 

Some days, I think that being a mother would be my calling. I dream of pregnancy. I dream of a little one that's part of me. I dream of all these things, and then I remember that I'm working a job that might collapse at any time, and that no one in their right mind will ever get me pregnant, because who wants to mix with bad genes? The only guy who ever found me attractive was too immature to realize that maybe I'm a little more than "fun and games"...and it didn't help that my heart still belonged to someone else the whole time. I really did think I was ready to try with someone new. For the most part I enjoyed being with him...he was fun, he was romantic, but like I said before, he was immature, and he was skin deep. He was, all in all, a mistake. 

I wish that I could be beautiful, skinny, attractive, witty. I think these things constantly. The point is though, that I am too depressed, too lazy, too angsty to do anything about it. Just when I start "dieting" or "exercising" I end up falling into the same hole. It's like I can't stop. I'm addicted to being lazy and eating crap food. I know better. This is what gets me - I  know better, and I still do it. I drink mocha's every morning. I have junk on a daily basis. I know bagels are bad for me and I eat them all the time anyway. I know junk food is bad and in the grocery store we usually leave with something along those lines...yes we try to be better (we're eating more fruit/vegetables all the time now), but in the end it's convenience. I hate cooking, and while it's fun in it's own time, when I work 8 hours and don't get home until 6 I don't want to cook! I still have to shower so by then it's 6:30, and all I want is to pull something easy out of the fridge. We have all the fixings - brown rice, fusilli pasta, fruit, vegetables, frozen berries...yes, we do have some staple healthy foods. But really I don't think I understand the concept of "healthy". My coworker, skinny as a stick, is gluten-intolerant so she can only eat veggies and stuff. Sometimes I think it'd be easier for me if I absolutely COULDN'T eat these things. 

Besides this angst, there's also the money angst. I have enough to pay my bills and have extra for mocha's every day and occasional things that I don't need to have (like makeup, junk food, etc). For some reason, with the wonderful credit card debt, I keep having this pressing feeling that I'm forgetting to pay something, and then I remember that my cell phone bill is due in 5 days, or that I'm almost in overdraft, or that my loan from the bank isn't actually paid off yet (almost!). I don't know why, but it seems I have more plans than I have money. I need to sock more away into savings than I am. I think what I lack in general is discipline. When I see things in stores I just want to BUY all the time. >.< I'm such a consumer. Sigh.

OKAY...that's enough angst I think...I'll update if I suddenly know what I'm doing with my life, but I think for now I'll have to keep working my butt off and being lazy. Maybe get a dog. I don't know.