Confusion Hurts.

Your Little Dreamer is floundering, friends.

Have you ever been kicked in the stomach, or had a volleyball thrown at your gut, or a very large dog launch at your midsection? I think you know what I'm getting at. That knot of anxiety and confusion and an obscene mix of hope and fear is not the most pleasant inhabitant in one's body. 

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling lately. Not that anyone cares.

It seems that once I have left someone's life their life gets better. This has been an ongoing theory for years but I still believe it. If I either cannot be with or stay with someone they move on to bigger and better things. They get married, move away, pursue new careers, friends, relationships. It takes willpower not to fall back into their world if given the chance.

So I try something new.

But I don't hold the attention of new people the way I intend to; I make jokes that fall flat, I give subtle signals that are either too loud or too soft, I talk too much or too little at the same time. Meeting new people is hard shit for someone with crippling social anxiety. First impressions are crucial and I'm that awkward person who is so shy at first until you get to know me. I wish I could skip all the awkward "getting to know" part of dating and get right to the "we've been together for 3 years" part. Is that insane? I feel like it probably is but that's really how I feel.

Yet at the same time I don't know that I want and I'm too freaking awkward and anxious to really just "go for it" or "enjoy the moment" as a friend has suggested. Oh well. I'll just keep drifting in the stream, keep my head above water a little longer.

So that's today's whineathon.

Those of you that don't suffer from things like chronic depression and social anxiety, have a great day out there. I'm rooting for you from my fuzzy blanket cocoon that includes tea and puppy snuggles.