But That's Beside The Point

Does any other girl out there look at themselves in the mirror and not recognize what they see? Who I am is not who I feel. Who I see is not who I am. My face is not what I feel on the inside and my body is something I am trapped within. What I see on the inside of my head is not what is projected to the world beyond it.

But that's beside the point.

Does any other girl look at their stomach in their hands and ask, how did this become a thing that I harbor so much hate and loathing for? 

Does any other girl watch their thighs jiggle as they walk and wonder, when did I realize that there was something wrong with this?

 Does any other girl feel heavy steps, see flab where flab shouldn't be, and wobble where they shouldn't wobble, and question at what stage did I consider myself to be less of a person because of these extra pounds I can't seem to shed?

I feel I have tried it all, short of expensive pills or other scams that circulate online. I was gluten free for 3 years, I eat fruit and vegetables daily, I calorie count, I tried toning wraps, I tried meal replacement shakes, I tried a juice cleanse, I drink a ton of water, and I question every single thing that I put in my mouth. 

Yet I am too lazy to properly exercise. I walk my puppy, I occasionally practice yoga at home, or I dance to wii games with friends. I don't really "work out" or do any of those things associated with a healthy lifestyle.

I have become a girl obsessed with body shaming of myself, only. I would never body shame another girl. I  say things to myself I would never repeat out loud, and would never say to someone else. 

But that's beside the point.

The point is, at what point in my life did I become so hateful?

At what time did I think that loathing and hating myself was the best option for my mental health and physical wellbeing? 

Looking at my body in the mirror makes it intensify, to a point that makes me uncomfortable wearing almost anything, but equally if not more uncomfortable without clothes. This, as you can imagine, takes a massive toll on my confidence both at work and in real life, where I am somewhat/possibly/heading towards dating an amazing guy who is courteous, polite, sweet and so compassionate. I know that he doesn't see what I do; he thinks I'm pretty and down to earth and attractive. If only I could see myself through his eyes, then maybe I could learn that I am not a complete and utter waste of space, a fat slob and a clumsy idiot. 

The amount of hate I have for myself is staggering. I am trying, daily, to find something in myself that I do not hate.

It's a struggle and a difficult process. Bringing myself out of my drowning is something I have worked very hard to do, though it doesn't look it on the outside. The water in my lungs never seems to go down.

But that's beside the point.

My head is still high enough, and that's as good as it'll get for now.