Wildflower

I need more joy. I need more happiness. I need something to make me see that this world isn't all cloud and rain.
In this life there are two determining factors. Will you live or will you die? Will you rise to the surface or will you allow yourself to sink like a stone to the bottom of the lake, rest in the silt below the happy kicking feet of children swimming in the summer? There are, at times, moments when we want to do both, or either one. There are days when we feel on top of the world, others when we're so downtrodden that it feels like the very boots of humanity are pressing us down into the dirt. It's all we can do just to pull ourselves back up again and begin another day.
What I'm trying to say here is that in my adventures in depression I have felt things I never expected, and being so completely confused and in dismay, I don't know what I'm going to do next.

Canada Day and other random stuff

Picture roll. Please don't hate me.

Making perogies for dinner the other night. They have to be boiled, then fried.

Need olive oil for frying, and then I put basil pesto on them for flavoring. A good alternative for bacon/onions, and my roommate, who isn't going vegetarian, doesn't mind the change. In fact, it was her idea.

Sad little lump of perogy. I sadly got wrapped up in my cooking and never took pictures of the finished product, but there was enough for both of us for dinner, and both of us for lunches the next day.

This is the view on Canada Day in Campbell River. Everyone camps out at the Foreshore park downtown for most of the day, anticipating the fireworks that would take place around 10:30 that night. You had to stay all day just to get a good seat! I swear, if anyone wanted to take out the entire population of Campbell River in one go, just wait for Canada Day.

Me in the car on Canada Day, feeling rather patriotic. We went shopping that morning and bought new white and red clothing. Quite fun. The day was spent with our friends, so as usual, Canada Day is a big deal for us. It's generally the catch up day after everyone comes back from university, or just being away.

That's all I've got right now. I am enjoying sleepy kitty Tuesday (my cat has slept next to me almost all day), the third day of my three day weekend. It was much needed!

Playing Catch-Up

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog.

Here's a couple different things that have been going on for you guys - that's if anyone reads this, of course. :)

Vegetarianism is treating me well; I don't miss meat, however it does make things a little more challenging when I try to grab something to eat quickly. But it's helping me make more health concious decisions. It's been almost a month now and I feel better for it, I think. I haven't really noticed a huge difference but I think I'm losing weight slowly. I still eat junk food like it's going out of style, so I'm trying to work on that too, but too many things at once can crowd me and make me shut down. Right now I just want to focus on making better choices, working, and my relationships with my boyfriend, friends, and family.

Work hasn't really changed much. I'm learning more working in the back on Saturdays, and by the end of the summer my technician coworker who does Saturdays with me wants to have me actually taking blood, placing IV catheters, setting up surgery, etc. It's pretty scary, but considering I already know how to clean surgery, set up and help take x-rays, set up IV fluids, clean surgical tools, handle various animals, and remove catheters, I think it'll be a smooth transition. She's a great teacher too, so that's good. Just this past Saturday I learned all the names for the surgical tools (the dr that was working that day helped me out a good bit too, as it was pretty quiet).

Last weekend my roommate and I took a spur-of-the-moment road trip to Nanaimo for shopping. We stayed at a hotel that made us feel like we were in a ritzy neighbourhood...she had to parellel park between a Lincoln SUV and a BMW. It was scary. But the hotel itself was lovely, it was only $130 ish, and it was a nice room. Totally worth it. We spent the Sunday in the mall and wandering around purchasing various things, the best of which was the next 2 seasons of Six Feet Under, which to my dismay Netflix did not have. But honestly I'm fine with owning it, it's a great show, so it makes me happy to purchase it, I feel like it deserves to be bought. Eventually I'll buy the last 2 seasons, and then probably start buying How I Met Your Mother or The Big Bang Theory. Boyfriend hasn't seen TBBT so it'd be a good introduction to a show I find absolutely hysterical. :)

Here's a couple of pictures from our trip.

Me and a tree. I like trees.

Sitting like a hippie in the grass. <3

Well yes, other than that, there was Canada Day yesterday. :)

We spent most of the day downtown with our friends, meeting up here and there, trying to get everyone together. We had dinner at a sushi place, and I was delighted to find a couple delicious vegetarian rolls, and my friend made me a couple "special" ones from her remnants. Then we explored all the goodness that is Canada Day, market stalls, mini doughnuts, kettle korn, walking along the water, snuggling on the rocks watching the fireworks. Then everyone came over to our house where we played an amusing game of apples to apples and got slightly drunk. Pretty fun. :)

I have some pictures but they're still on the memory card, and being the lazy turkey I am, I don't want to bother uploading them, then deleting what I don't want, then editing, etc. PS the above pictures are unedited.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say about that.

Other things are kind of up and down at the moment, but nothing I dare say on the internet. Sorry! :)



Spitfire

Peanut butter m&m's are delicious.
I have made the collective and somewhat fleeting decision to stop eating meat. It's not too difficult considering I don't really eat a lot of it anyway.
***
I am on a lovely day off now. It's odd to have a work day in between my days off, but because I know why it is that way, it's okay. Mondays are my administrative days anyway; where I take care of all the phone calls, reminder letters, reports. It's easy because all I have to do is sit at the back desk and get my stuff done. I'm pretty effecient at it, too. At least that's what my manager says. She's impressed - I'm happy. Working is fun some days, distressing other days. I've been opening the past couple weeks, and will continue on this schedule until probably July, if not August. It's nice to know that I don't have to worry about closing at the end of the day - which can be stressful.
Since it's only 8:30 I haven't deemed it necessary to get out of bed, and have been interneting from my warm cocoon of sleep. I should probably do stuff, but really don't want to bother. My cats are running rampant, destroying things (most likely).
"1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more."

I love Campbell River for this reason: constant access to the ocean. Whenever I'm near the water I feel so calm and content - like there's some part of me that just wants to be there all the time. I love watching the birds skim along the surface, seeking crabs in tidepools, skipping rocks, looking for beach glass. Yes, the ocean is probably my one true love in this world. It is constant. It is magnificently powerful and calm all in the same breath. The ocean is always changing, yet it is always there, always waiting for what's next. I simply adore it.

Here's another picture from the other side of the park we went to the other day. It was so sunny and beautiful out, and it's actually a park where my grandparent's memory is preserved with a picnic bench my father's family members put together money to dedicate. It's interesting that it was placed at this park, because it is directly across from the apartment building where my mom's mom used to live. I miss my grandparents every day, all of them, and intend to honor their memory by naming my future child after them. My mom's mom was Flora (but her sisters called her "tune" as a short form of Petunia), and my dad's mom Lolita Pearl, my dad's dad Joseph, and my mom's dad Robert. When I think of a future child, I imagine a girl. Since my cousin already has a son named Joseph I'd probably make it the middle name or something. It's my brother's middle name too, but he has both my grandfather's names. I don't know how I'll work it out, but I will. It'll happen.

"You said your love would always be mine for eternity, and you could never love apart from me."

Now that I've rambled about the ocean, I think I'll finish this, because I don't really have anything else to talk about. Sad life I live.

evil angel, with your cleft tongue

'when you kissed me on this town square, all the lights came on, and sunset thought you'd stay. evil angel, bearing apples, when you kissed me on this drawbridge, as the boats came through, how was I to know you'd flee? tear down these monuments, bury the coat of arms.'
Rufus Wainwright. Calm. Instant.
my cats are fighting, and i dont care about grammar right now.
i'll probably read this later and delete it, as im ashamed already for the state of this entry. but this is my state of mind at this time.
i finished every single episode of bones netflix had to offer, and have been on a weeds marathon for the past three days - hence i am already on the third season. its addictive - pardon the pun, haha.
and now rufus calms me after a morning of confused numbness. i don't know why i don't feel all the time. some days i just don't and can't explain it. this is literally just a rant.
i started writing some odd story the other day but have stalled on it once again. its a dream that i had months ago and wrote down the aspects of in a word document. rather than beginning with the protagonists story, i started with one of his friends instead. i don't know where its going yet but if i actually continue maybe it'll be something worth reading to someone at some point.
'drinking rose in the rain'
'although you may not see me, the trees, they will remember. speak my name and the rose will be sweet, and suddenly, weather will retreat.'
sometimes i can't make out all the words to rufus' music but i think its meant to be that way. i think that's what he intends with that voice of his. id kill to see him in concert. it would be magic.
i wish i had some pictures to post but i dont cause i don't really get out of the house much. even now the only thing i feel is tired and music.
'pretty things, so what if i like pretty things? pretty lies, so what if i like pretty lies? from where you were to where i am now, i need these pretty things, around the planets of my faith. everythings a sign of my astrology.'
now my cats are calm and sitting on the windowsill watching the world go by outside. sometimes i wish i had a cats life...itd be so easy! however with my luck id end up being one of the ones no one wants and get euth'd for convenience to make room for the nice kitties.
my friend recently broke up with his gf of over a year, and now he talks about coming to see me in CR, and i don't know what i think about that. id like to meet him as he is a good friend and id like to see him happy but i am in a relationship at this time and i dont want to compromise it. i know if he comes here he'll want to spend every minute with me, and with H now i dont know how that could work. obviously he'd stay here with us but i don't want to ruin what ive worked to build with H and this just might. he doesn't want to ruin it either and understands but i dont know if he really does, in his state of mind. hes desperate for someone to love him and he deserves it, but i dont think its me. he seems to think so.
meanwhile my other friend is going to be having multiple babies and the other day my roommate and i went into walmart and i saw the pregnancy tests and got very depressed and listless. what is going on with this body of mine...i need to get it straightened out and be put on some kind of medication to stop these cravings for a child. i dont have the money or stability to support another person, so why do i want one so badly? some of my fb friends have recently gotten pregnant or have just had a baby and i wonder why this seems to be my only dream for the future. and i love H but he doesnt want kids, probably not for a long, long time. balked at the idea. the notion.
fair enough. we're only 20, theres life left to live, but i feel like im wasting time. sad.
dont know what else to talk about. rufus is singing about a consort.
anubis is lying next to me while phoenix stretches out on the windowsill like a lazy fatass - like his mum. lol why do i want a baby when i have two idiot kids already? nuubie and pheeny sure do keep me on my toes..
'when i am over these small goddamn hills, theres no reason for my mind to be still. oh, and i feel like a beautiful child, such a beautiful child again'
'sometimes you need a stranger to talk to'
'i will never be defeated, i will never come undone. i will never know the way it feels to be just anyone. i will never fall just as you all fall around me, so, i will never know, i will never know. i will never be the one to tell you that i need you more, nor will i have to be the one who's walking out the door.'