The musings of a Little Dreamer afloat in the world inside her head.
Introduction
Welcome to my online journal! What I post here is not consistent, and it doesn't fall into any one category. I post about my thoughts, my dreams, lifestyle, and anything else I might feel like posting!
Have you ever been kicked in the stomach, or had a volleyball thrown at your gut, or a very large dog launch at your midsection? I think you know what I'm getting at. That knot of anxiety and confusion and an obscene mix of hope and fear is not the most pleasant inhabitant in one's body.
It's hard to describe how I'm feeling lately. Not that anyone cares.
It seems that once I have left someone's life their life gets better. This has been an ongoing theory for years but I still believe it. If I either cannot be with or stay with someone they move on to bigger and better things. They get married, move away, pursue new careers, friends, relationships. It takes willpower not to fall back into their world if given the chance.
So I try something new.
But I don't hold the attention of new people the way I intend to; I make jokes that fall flat, I give subtle signals that are either too loud or too soft, I talk too much or too little at the same time. Meeting new people is hard shit for someone with crippling social anxiety. First impressions are crucial and I'm that awkward person who is so shy at first until you get to know me. I wish I could skip all the awkward "getting to know" part of dating and get right to the "we've been together for 3 years" part. Is that insane? I feel like it probably is but that's really how I feel.
Yet at the same time I don't know that I want and I'm too freaking awkward and anxious to really just "go for it" or "enjoy the moment" as a friend has suggested. Oh well. I'll just keep drifting in the stream, keep my head above water a little longer.
So that's today's whineathon.
Those of you that don't suffer from things like chronic depression and social anxiety, have a great day out there. I'm rooting for you from my fuzzy blanket cocoon that includes tea and puppy snuggles.
Back at it again, this poor old blog hasn't kicked it yet.
I just wanted to come on here and do some feelings venting, and such. You know how it is.
So maybe I've been seeing someone? A boy?! Ok, we hung out twice. But you can't blame a girl for wishin' and hopin', can you? So yeah, there's that. Big changes in this little dreamer's life.
However, I'm happy to report that the rest of my drama has calmed down significantly. Thank goodness. Family business has settled a little, work has both decreased and increased at the same time; not sure how that happened. Love life stuff has kind of shifted.
I guess that's it for now, I've lost my train of thought. Or ramble, I guess you could say. So now I'll just leave you with my music selections as of late, which will tell you more about me than I ever could.
MUSIC PICKS FOR RECENT WEEKS: (Favorites) Fall Out Boy - new album American Beauty, American Psycho "Irresistible", "Favorite Record", "Centuries", "Jet Pack Blues", "The Kids Aren't Alright", "Immortals" Imagine Dragons - new album Smoke + Mirrors "Smoke + Mirrors", "Gold", "Polaroid", "Shots", "Hopeless Opus", "I'm So Sorry", "Dream"
I bought a new computer. Yep. It will be on it's way to me 2 days before my 23rd birthday. The one I'm currently using has lasted me just over 4 years but you know it's bad when you avoid shutting down your laptop because you don't think it'll turn on again if you do.
I thought that buying this new computer - while necessary - might give me a little of that retail therapy high I'm used to, but I guess I'm too depressed for that. Things have been getting worse.
A few conversations have thrown words around I can't ignore.
I am here with a new iTunes card, and therefore new music, and freshly applied holiday-red nails with festive snowflakes added to them. They're pretty cute.
Today's earworm:
"Yellow Flicker Beat" - Lorde for the Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1
It's becoming increasingly apparent that I need a new phone sooner rather than later. We'll see what deal Rogers can drum up for me. My poor little iPhone's battery barely lasts 12 hours now. I need to charge it every night. It's beyond inconvenient, and it begins to worry me that it'll die before I can upgrade.
First of all, if you haven't seen this yet please go listen to it now:
Nick Pitera never ceases to amaze me.
On to less important ramblings.
I lay on the couch tonight with animal surrounding me, the Christmas tree alight in the corner, sipping vanilla Smirnoff on ice. Yes, vanilla flavored, because I am a lady 20-something who likes her alcohol to taste like something else.
If I'm being honest with you, internet, this last month or so has been an odd and particularly hard one for me.
I continue to fall into a haze on more than one occasion. Someone will ask me a question and I'll retort with a bite more severe than my simple intention. I will be offered comfort, love, and understanding, and I turn my back. I am given an opportunity to voice my opinion, and I say the first thing on my mind which is often not what I wanted my first words to be. I lose time. I lose sleep. I lose memory and I lose thoughts.
I spent the early part of the month reeling from what was a combination of sudden knowledge of something that happened in my personal life, as well as something very pivotal that happened at work, as well as the death of someone who has been very close with our family of five growing up (not to say that he is not also important to the rest of our family, being one of my dad's younger siblings). So while this month began with loss, emotion, pain, and ultimately, pushing through, the feeling of hazy manic depression has crept back. And this time it's here with a vengeance.
Some days I have no appetite. I will go the entire day consuming nothing but coffee and water. Other days, I have 3 meals, constant snacks in between and still I am constantly hungry. Other days still, foods that normally would not upset my stomach suddenly do now.
Lately I've been having what I call vegan cinnamon almond oatmeal. I recently found some certified wheat-free oats and I pour some into a bowl, the amount depends on the bowl and how hungry I feel. I've never been a good measure with pouring things into bowls. But I digress. I add some brown sugar, a healthy dose of cinnamon, some ground ginger, then hot water. I mix that up and add lots of almond milk - I have always liked my oatmeal milky - and some raw almonds on top. It's sweet, it's a little spicy (not spicy hot, but spicy with the cinnamon and ginger), it's hot and it's comforting.
I've also been obsessed with hot chocolate - yeah, okay, it's not vegan and it's probably more processed sugar than one should consume. But I don't know what it is, I just can't stop having it on a daily basis. I could live off hot chocolate.
*shudder* Vodka has a good kick sometimes. Ice and vanilla kill it a little but not completely. Where were we?
Ah, yes, the latest obsession with chocolate. I swear, our clients are so good to us they're killing us slowly. Why doesn't anyone ever bring a veggie plate as a Christmas gift, huh? Thankfully because of the whole gluten thing I've managed to avoid most of it, but it hasn't stopped me getting into the Lindor truffles, among other things. But those Lindor truffles are my weakness. They are seriously so amazing.
I am almost completely done with my shopping now. As much fun as it is shopping for other people (and I really mean that), it'll be nice to finally call it done and start wrapping. I'm going to pick up the last few things tomorrow - a few chocolate gifts for friends of the family, my landlord, neighbour, and nail tech.
Does anyone else listen to music just to feel better?
My go-to "I'm sad and want to dive deeper" songs:
"High Hopes" - Kodaline (really anything Kodaline, but this one always gets me)
"Say Something" - cover by Victoria Justice and Max Schneider
"Hallelujah" - Rufus Wainwright
"Someone Like You" - Adele
"What The Water Gave Me" - Florence + The Machine
"Just A Dream" - cover by Sam Tsui and Christina Grimmie
"Ma Memoire Sale" - from Chansons d'Amour, sung by Louis Garrel
"Walking Backwards" - Sam Tsui
"Belief" - Gavin Degraw (stripped version)
"A Thousand Years"/"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri
"Give Me Love" - cover by Max Schneider
And on a completely different note, random songs I'm loving right now:
"Try" - cover by Max Schneider
"Love Me Harder" - Ariana Grande and the Weeknd
"Blame" ft John Newman - Calvin Harris
"Thinking Out Loud" - Ed Sheeren
"Ghost" - Ella Henderson
"Centuries" - Fall Out Boy
"Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" - Rufus Wainwright
"Magic" - Coldplay
"Sweater Weather" - The Neighbourhood
"Monsoons" - The Puscifer
"Chandelier" - Sia
"Troubles" - U2
"Often" - The Weeknd
"Blank Space" - Taylor Swift
"Angel in Blue Jeans" - Train
"Kill and Run" - Sia for the Great Gatsby
"Grey Area" - Sam Tsui
"Little Lion Man"/"I Will Wait" - Mumford and Sons
"The A Team" - Ed Sheeren
Alright guys, I think that's enough for one night. I'm going to finish my drink, wash my face and try to sleep. I wish you all the best for the end of the year if I don't post on here before then. Merry Christmas and I hope your 2015 treats you well.
