You Say I'm Crazy...

If you have ever heard Sam Smith's music, you know all too well the feeling of dying to belt out his passive agressive, heartfelt, bittersweet songs with all your might. It's a little less than possible when you don't live alone and you have three snoozing pets very close by who may be alarmed at your "singing", probably because they'll think another of their brethren is being horribly tortured somewhere that they can't see. But the feelings this man can evoke with his voice are undeniably felt and warranted; beyond any doubt he knows how to sing and how to bring the women of the world to their knees in sobs of simultaneous beauty and agony. There's something so touching and heartwrenching about the way he sings that gets deep into your skin and doesn't let go. 

These are the songs that can become embedded in your soul. These are the songs you fall into and drown in, yet they give you breath in your descent. No matter how many times you hear them, they hit you, and they hit you hard. I have this problem with a select few songs, and fewer artists. If you've read anything of this blog you know my music taste is anything but generic, and I love to share what I believe to be good music with friends and the internet alike. However, most don't share my taste in "fall-into" music and find it rather boring. Still, I feel the need to share my songs with you all, and I hope that they help you find some peace in whatever you are struggling with at this point in time. They certainly help me, whether it's to allow me to feel these things harder, or make them seem not so bad for a while.

In no particular order:

 

Kodaline - "High Hopes"/"All I Want"/"Big Bad World"

Sam Smith - "Lay Me Down"/"Stay With Me"

Hozer - "Take Me To Church"

Rufus Wainwright - "Hallelujah"/"Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk"/"A Bit of You"

Louis Garrel - "Ma Memoire Sale"

Christina Perri - "Human"

Ingrid Michaelson - "Corner of Your Heart"/"Chain"

Anna Nalick - "Breathe"

Lifehouse - "You and I"

Ed Sheeran - "Thinking of You"

Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"

Florence + The Machine - "Yellow Dress"/"Ship to Wreck"/"Swimming"/"Never Let Me Go"

 

 

When I'm Without You, I'm Something Weak

Good morning/afternoon/night wherever you are, dreamers. For me it's hitting that stage of evening where I'm between chaos - it's still early enough to get things done but late enough that I'm starting to panic because I am running out of day. 

Does anyone else do that? Look at how many waking hours you have left in the day and start to panic because the number is not as high as you'd like it to be? Please tell me I'm not the only one, guys. Please help ease my little anxious mind.

These are the things that trouble me. The lack of writing, the lack of artistic influence, the bad singing to EDM and the like in the car, the bad diet, the poor motivation, worse sleep. 

It's taking it's toll, all of it, and today I ignored it. For a few very brief hours, I was able to put aside my anxiety and simply do the work. Unless you have an anxiety problem you won't understand what that means, and why it's significant to have a short time of not worrying, not thinking somewhere else, not off in my own little mind dwelling on things that I can't control. Anxiety is a funny thing. I try not to really preach about it much because I am not diagnosed with anything or on any medications. Part of that is because I'm completely terrified of the doctor. The other part is I'm not convinced I'm not just full of shit and making it all up. Everything I read points to pretty severe social anxiety though, and I wouldn't be surprised. I'm also extremely introverted, so being around people constantly without any time to myself is very draining and turns me into a terrible person after a long enough period of time! And by long enough period of time I mean it varies - from a day to a couple of hours to a week. Just really depends on where I am on my mental spectrum at that point in time, I guess. I can't really describe it any better than that. Isn't that sad? I like to call myself a writer and really I just bullshit a lot.

Though, I was talking to friends about this recently: artistic folk will always think their own work is shit. Famous poets and painters are some of the most introverted and mentally ill folk around. Seriously, look it up. But back to my point - if you are at all artistically inclined, you know what I mean. Everything that you create is bullshit until someone reads it and gets it too. It's kind of funny, actually. I guess even in my writing I am constantly seeking the approval of others. 

I feel like half of my life is spent making others happy and the other half is spent making sure I don't have to do anything but what I want to do. I'm like the social recluse. 

And no recluse spider jokes guys, you know I'm an arachnophobic.

Okay, I think it's about enough rambling and time for a "music I love" list!

"Lean On" - Major Lazer (this is seriously my favourite song of the moment)

"Honey I'm good" - Andy Grammar

Anything by Florence+The Machine's new album. Seriously, anything.

That's about it for now! xx

But That's Beside The Point

Does any other girl out there look at themselves in the mirror and not recognize what they see? Who I am is not who I feel. Who I see is not who I am. My face is not what I feel on the inside and my body is something I am trapped within. What I see on the inside of my head is not what is projected to the world beyond it.

But that's beside the point.

Does any other girl look at their stomach in their hands and ask, how did this become a thing that I harbor so much hate and loathing for? 

Does any other girl watch their thighs jiggle as they walk and wonder, when did I realize that there was something wrong with this?

 Does any other girl feel heavy steps, see flab where flab shouldn't be, and wobble where they shouldn't wobble, and question at what stage did I consider myself to be less of a person because of these extra pounds I can't seem to shed?

I feel I have tried it all, short of expensive pills or other scams that circulate online. I was gluten free for 3 years, I eat fruit and vegetables daily, I calorie count, I tried toning wraps, I tried meal replacement shakes, I tried a juice cleanse, I drink a ton of water, and I question every single thing that I put in my mouth. 

Yet I am too lazy to properly exercise. I walk my puppy, I occasionally practice yoga at home, or I dance to wii games with friends. I don't really "work out" or do any of those things associated with a healthy lifestyle.

I have become a girl obsessed with body shaming of myself, only. I would never body shame another girl. I  say things to myself I would never repeat out loud, and would never say to someone else. 

But that's beside the point.

The point is, at what point in my life did I become so hateful?

At what time did I think that loathing and hating myself was the best option for my mental health and physical wellbeing? 

Looking at my body in the mirror makes it intensify, to a point that makes me uncomfortable wearing almost anything, but equally if not more uncomfortable without clothes. This, as you can imagine, takes a massive toll on my confidence both at work and in real life, where I am somewhat/possibly/heading towards dating an amazing guy who is courteous, polite, sweet and so compassionate. I know that he doesn't see what I do; he thinks I'm pretty and down to earth and attractive. If only I could see myself through his eyes, then maybe I could learn that I am not a complete and utter waste of space, a fat slob and a clumsy idiot. 

The amount of hate I have for myself is staggering. I am trying, daily, to find something in myself that I do not hate.

It's a struggle and a difficult process. Bringing myself out of my drowning is something I have worked very hard to do, though it doesn't look it on the outside. The water in my lungs never seems to go down.

But that's beside the point.

My head is still high enough, and that's as good as it'll get for now.

 

 

Gluten Free Fail

I've come to the conclusion lately that I am weak. I've been eating bad food several times over the last 2 months and paying for it later...yet I still continue to do it despite knowing what wheat does to my body. What is wrong with me.

Anyways, besides the whole junk food thing the rest of my life is ok right now. The whole romantic area is still grey and muddled, but I expect it will be that way for a long time.

I have been walking more, drinking more water, and spending more time relaxing. Working has been a little less stressful at the moment but it's only going to get busier.

So that's me right now. Just wanted to whine a little.

Until next time,

x

Confusion Hurts.

Your Little Dreamer is floundering, friends.

Have you ever been kicked in the stomach, or had a volleyball thrown at your gut, or a very large dog launch at your midsection? I think you know what I'm getting at. That knot of anxiety and confusion and an obscene mix of hope and fear is not the most pleasant inhabitant in one's body. 

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling lately. Not that anyone cares.

It seems that once I have left someone's life their life gets better. This has been an ongoing theory for years but I still believe it. If I either cannot be with or stay with someone they move on to bigger and better things. They get married, move away, pursue new careers, friends, relationships. It takes willpower not to fall back into their world if given the chance.

So I try something new.

But I don't hold the attention of new people the way I intend to; I make jokes that fall flat, I give subtle signals that are either too loud or too soft, I talk too much or too little at the same time. Meeting new people is hard shit for someone with crippling social anxiety. First impressions are crucial and I'm that awkward person who is so shy at first until you get to know me. I wish I could skip all the awkward "getting to know" part of dating and get right to the "we've been together for 3 years" part. Is that insane? I feel like it probably is but that's really how I feel.

Yet at the same time I don't know that I want and I'm too freaking awkward and anxious to really just "go for it" or "enjoy the moment" as a friend has suggested. Oh well. I'll just keep drifting in the stream, keep my head above water a little longer.

So that's today's whineathon.

Those of you that don't suffer from things like chronic depression and social anxiety, have a great day out there. I'm rooting for you from my fuzzy blanket cocoon that includes tea and puppy snuggles.